What in the world???

Is anyone else having trouble with blogger? For the last couple of weeks I have been having technical things going on like when I go to write a new post it won't load all of the tool bar above and so it just keeps pending. Then in the middle of reading posts the comment box will disappear and I can't comment. It's like it just comes and goes throughout the day. This is really starting to tick me the hell off!

Now that I've fumed about that. I wanted to say thanks to everyone's comments from my last post. Allan, you are too funny and slightly pervy...haha!!! You crack me up! As always your wonderful comments are very uplifting.

I wasn't feeling well yesterday. I kept having this pain shoot through my right cheekbone and into my ear. Everyone is getting flu-like symptoms around here and I BETTER NOT be getting sick! I just felt shitty all day and I decided I would suck ass and order Mexican food and gorge (kinda). I ordered a dish called the Brian's special and it comes layered as a dip with ground beef, refried beans, and mexican cheese. Obviously I ate several chips with it. Afterwards I felt liked I'd just been wiped off of someone's shoe. I took a nap and just felt awful. To top it off I ate a weight watchers fudge bar a few hours later for dessert. UGH! haha...but I have been thinking alot about what you all keep drilling telling me about. That I need to stop being so hard on myself about every single thing I don't feel is up to par.

I HAVE made progrees (slowly but true)
I HAVE lost inches from working out.
I CAN continue on and get to my goal (maybe just not as quickly as some)
I DO feel more confident than ever NOW.
I SHOULD be happy with where I am because HERE isn't so bad after all.


I want to keep going but the more I look at my pictures and read your comments about what you think of my progress I am starting to realize that maybe that's why I have been stuck in the 170's since last July. Maybe because when I look at myself I don't feel DISGUSTED anymore. I am giving myself more inner compliments than before. Maybe I am slacking off of losing more weight because I unconciously don't really mind where I am at. I think I honestly feel like my mini goal of 150 is unattainable. I don't know why. It's not that I think I CAN'T do it. It's that I feel like I WON'T do it. I am worried I will keep self sabotaging because I don't mind being 170-something lbs if I look like this. I realize that I don't LOOK like I weigh that much. I hear it all the time. Maybe that's given me a lame excuse to not keep trying. Like I'm telling myself "Well why bother, everyone thinks you look great. You're fine here."

Really, I want to make it to my goals because I want to prove to myself that it's possible. That I am strong enough to do it. It just seems like that day may never come. I don't intend on quitting by any means but I am tired of constantly worrying about it all. It's a worry that never leaves. I am ALWAYS thinking about what to do next, what to eat next, what exercise I should do next. It gets so damn old always obsessing abou it. So I am going to promise myself to go with the flow more and stop being such a stick in the ass in this process.

So there...

Have a great weekend...

The end!

Before P90X Photos and yummy shake recipe!

Ok, well I am totally blown away by all of your wonderful comments on my shorts photo from yesterday's post. I honestly was not expecting such an uproar of praises. That just goes to show we don't always see ourselves the way others see us. So thank you all for your uplifting compliments. That was truly unexpected and awesome. But I will tell ya, a picture isn't a 360 degree rotation so there's some bumps on this road that the picture doesn't show! haha Maybe one day I will be brave enough to post some nudes (with ladybits blurred/blacked out of course). One day....

For those of you not familiar with the P90x program I have just begun, there is a fitness completion before you begin to test where you are at on the fitness spectrum. You are also supposed to take 6 before photos and then the same photos after each month (I think). Anyway I wanted to show you all something I discovered by taking these photos. My lowest low of 2010 was in July (177lbs). I broke that low this year at 175lbs. Basically I hovered within the same 10lbs for over 7 months. That really sucks and I have been down about that over and over again. Pretty sad that I haven't had more progress than that.

In your before photos you are supposed to wear as little clothing as possible so you can track your results. So I busted out my green bikini that the BFF bought me last summer for my bday. I wore this bikini on our river trip last July (at my lowest). I wasn't exercising much last year. So I wanted to show you what a difference exercise really makes. It is a subtle difference but it's there. I think the biggest difference is in my arms and the spare tire around my boobage that has somewhat shrunk. Basically a little toning can go a long way. Hopefully in 90 days when I have completed my first round of P90X, my after picture will be that much more noticeable.

I felt like complete crap yesterday but I got home and pushed myself to do Day 2 of my workout which was the PlyoX and it was CRAZY! It was 58minutes long and I did the whole thing, no pausing. By the end of it my face was beet red and according to my HR monitor I was well into the 140's (good for me). I was exhausted but damn it felt great. I made my post-workout protein shake which leads me to this awesome recipe I tried and LOVED! I'm sure some of you have already done a similar version if not the same but this was so good I just had to share it.

In a blender:

1 cup of ice

8oz cold water (or milk if you want it thicker)

1 small banana (or 1/2 of a large banana)

1 tbsp of nut butter (I used chocolate almond, but you can easily use peanut, cashew, hazelnut, etc)

1 scoop of Pure Protein in chocolate (sure this would be good with vanilla as well)

Blend until smooth and Enjoy!

I swear it tasted just like a banana split or chocolate covered bananas! Heavenly!!! The total calorie count for the one I made last night is 280 calories of goodness. Great meal replacement for me.

Well that's it for today. I don't remember what workout I'm doing tonight but I'm ready!!! woo hoo!

It kicked my arse!

Well I started P90X yesterday! FINALLY! I did the complete Day 1 (totals 65 minutes) and it was tough. I won't say it was impossible or TOO hard like I have heard some friends say but it is definitely a workout. I am glad! I loved it. I loved the way I felt doing it and I am super sore today and I love it! I ate well yesterday too. My current plan is a yogurt/nut/fruit breakfast, protein shake for lunch, protein bar for snack, protein shake post-workout and then a light dinner.

Today I had a small burger for lunch on wheat bread with tomato and pickles. I only ate 1/2 of the wheat bun because Lexi wasn't liking the bread so much today. No biggy. I'm watching carbs anyway. It was very yummy. So since I ate a regular lunch I will probably just have a protein shake for dinner and maybe a small snack.

I am not feeling so great today. I am very fatigued and have a pretty slammin' headache (sinuses?) It sucks and I am hoping I don't kill myself in my workout tonight. UGH! I feel so heavy...like a ton of bricks.

Oh and I went on Friday and got the Pure Protein shake powder and some Pure Brotein bars. The only option they had at the Target I went to was frosty chocolate and vanilla creme. I got the chocolate and it's not bad at all. It does have a tiny little aftertaste but for the most part it is nice and chocolatey. It doesn't have that awful protein-y taste to it like a bunch of other shakes I have tried. I also ordered the cookies n' cream flavor from amazon yesterday and I can't wait to try it. I have just been adding the powder to 8oz skim milk and using my shaker but I think it would be alot more yummy if I blended it with ice as suggested. I might try that tonight. Also I would like to try adding some almond butter and a banana to it. I heard that is delicious!

Well I am busy at work today and I have alot of posts to catch up on. So I will leave you with a picture. My friend from work brought me several pairs of her shorts that she can no longer wear and I tried them on at work. They are a tad bit....ahem....short but perfect for lounging at home or wearing to the beach or something. This pair is a size 10. I used to loathe shorts because I hated my thighs (still do a little) and I just felt massive in them. I am ready for my legs to slim down some more and then I will be more comfy in wearing shorts like this in public! Until then...they will remain around-the-house shorts...haha

One Year Banded!

It seems crazy to me that it's already been a year since I had my surgery. Time really flies, doesn't it? It's kind of sad when I really think about things. I mean I have only lost like 30 pounds in that year. I thought I would be at my goal weight by Christmas last year and not even close. Then I thought ok, how about at least to my mini goal of 150lbs by my hubby's bday on March 18th? I don't see that happening. 25lbs in less than month? Pshhhh...don't think so. So how about by my birthday in June then? Seems attainable if I could stay on track for more than 5 days at a time.

I really don't know what's going on in my head. Why does food have such control over me? Why do I allow myself to binge and binge and binge again? (I realize that since being banded what I eat all day now on a binger would have only been one meal back in the day, but it still sucks). Some days I just feel like I should say "screw it, I am just going to stay at this weight. I don't care anymore" But I know I am only lying to myself because when I look in the mirror I want improvement. I am NOT happy with myself at this weight. I want to be thinner, healthier. I want to prove to myself that I can do it THIS time. And THIS time just never seems to happen. I seriously could just burst into tears right now.

I feel like when I need to improve the most (because of commitments I made, including a wedding in April and this new challenge) I am the least motivated to do it. When there's nothing important really going on is when I get on the ball for a bit. Why is that? Am I determined to fail or something? I want this so bad I can taste it but it's like it's still not enough. I must not WANT it enough or I would do it right?

I don't know. I have done well so far today but I just have that nagging feeling in the back of my stomach   head saying that today is still not the day that I will turn things around for myself. It's like I know that it's pointless because as soon as I get home I will devour 1 of everything in the kitchen and drink my DP that I have been avoiding for days now. The clock is ticking and every day that passes that I don't do this thing right and start exercising again is another day that I have lost that I could be getting fit. I can't imagine the horror I would experience if my SIL and I go to pick up our dresses and do the final fitting and I STILL can't zip that dress. I would just melt into a puddle on the floor and say go ahead and fry me up. I'm just a big fat ass pile of bacon....oink oink.

Damn.....

New Spring Challenge

Hi everyone,

I just signed up for a new challenge. This will be my first official challenge that I have participated in for blogland. I am very excited. I think this will motivate me to stay on track more hard core. I REALLY like to win! If you are interested in the challenge check it out by clicking on the link below the picture:

http://girlbanded.blogspot.com/p/suddenly-spring-challenge.html

My eating has been off track for over a week now. Yesterday was probably the worst binge ever. 9" spinach alfredo pizza, a cheese enchilada and beef taco, and a chocolate chip cookie???? WTF???

Well I did get my new protein powder in yesterday afternoon so I am starting those today and boy, do I hope it tastes good. If not, I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I have gotta to hop back on this wagon. I dunno, like right now!!! I was supposed to start P90x on Monday but I did the fitness test for the program and didn't realize you aren't supposed to start the actual program on the same day as the fitness test because it's like a double workout. So I was then going to wait and start yesterday but decided I was just too sore from eating all of my wonderful food that I crammed down my throat last night. So today I am hoping my super hard core mentality of "just get the shit done!" will kick in and I can stay on track.

Here's to fingers crossed....



Oh Bloody hell!



I am sorry Mr. Turtle!!! Geesh!

So I didn't stick to what I said I was going to eat yesterday. Instead I be-cowed (definition: turned into a cow) myself after work and decided I was going to take my chubby butt to Chilli's where I then proceeded to order spinach artichoke dip and tortilla chips AND chicken jalapeno quesadillas!!! Took it to go...so I could basically stuff my face at home instead of in public! Then for "dessert" I ate 5 squares of Dove milk chocolate AFTER I had eaten ALL of the dip and like 25 chips and 3 of the 8 quesadilla wedges! What in the freaking hell was I thinking? Oh, wait! I wasn't thinking! 

And are you ready for the cherry on top??? After all that super-healthy food I just shoveled down my throat I laid on the couch and fell asleep within 20 minutes and slept for 5 hours therefore hindering any ability or "give a shit" to work out. So basically I just screwed myself yesterday. I swear I need to see a shrink. REALLY! And here I was posting merrily yesterday about how glad I was that I had finally overcome long-haul binges and that I could jump back on the "train" and shit. And then I go and do that? I seriously am disgusted in myself right now.

Especially knowing that I need to fit into a size 12 bridesmaid dress by the beginning of April for my sis-in-law's wedding. I tried on a 12 at David's Bridal and the dress zips up the side and I could zip it fine until it gets to my boob area thanks to my lovely little back roll that I have where my bra is. So I need to really kick ass and work out and eat right to lose inches at least to get into that dress. And here I am sabotaging myself like nanner-puss. DAMN!

here is the dress, BTW:

I also ordered a new protein shake yesterday. I was reading Meli's blog yesterday and she was saying how great her new shake tasted. So I ordered the BSN lean desserts in chocolate fudge pudding. If this does taste decent I will probably be trying several of the flavors. I am hoping the combination of getting P90X tomorrow and getting my protein shake in will boost me back in to "weightloss land". I don't know what's going on with me now. Struggles, struggles. 

Belated-Happy Valentine's Day!

I so wanted to get on here yesterday and tell everyone Happy V-Day but I was busy at work and just ran out of time. I was very pleased when (for the first time in our relationship) I recieved a giant arrangement of a dozen red roses and purple blossom fillers at work from the hubby. I was sooo surprised. He has never sent me flowers before, only given them to me in person. He said he likes to see my face when he gives me gifts but I hinted to him months ago that I would like flowers every once in a while. :)

He is on nights and had to work yesterday so we didn't get to see each other. We celebrated on Sunday and it was nice even though it got cut short because he had to work. Oh well, ya gotta take the time you can get.

I wasn't very good yesterday as far as eating goes. I will admit the last couple of days I went a little haywire and ate crazy! I baked the hubby chocolate chip cookies with pink/red and white chocolate chips for V day on Sunday and I ended up eating quite a few of them. I told him that from now on I will only bake peanut butter cookies on special occasions because he loves them and I hate them and that will remove the temptation. I know, I know, stupid me for baking them in the first place. Ugh!

Then yesterday I went to eat Mexican food with the bestie and another good friend for dinner and said WTH and ate cheese enchiladas with refried beans and.....spanish rice. RICE? I know, I know. And that was AFTER chips, salsa, and some queso and jalapenos. And of course I had to dip into the hubby's box of chocolates I got him for V day too. (Can ya tell V day is no good for me?) I ate 2 of the almond cream chocolates. Dang!

Well don't worry, it was definitely a splurge food wise but I am not off track completely. I am hopping right back on the train today with no problem. In the past, my splurges have always triggered cravings and then the vicious cylce restarts but that hasn't been happening lately. I can be naughty and get back on track quick. I am glad for that. Today is gonna be a fairly clean eating day and I WILL work out tonight.

I have been wanting to get the P90X program. Everyone I know that has used it has raved about it and I think I could use some hard core training. I wanna sweat my ass off and burn tons of calories. So I am thinking about buying it. No one I know has finished it though. They all gave up because they said it's too difficult to stick with but I think I could do it. I have really become an exercise lover so I think it's P for possible!

Today's menu:

Breakfast: 1 cup of plain greek yogurt, 3/4c Kashi crunch cereal, 8 red grapes, and 2 tbsp of slivered almonds

Snack: hot green tea with french vanilla coffemate powder

Lunch: sliced pork and italian style green beans

Snack: 1 light string cheese and 4 strawberries

Dinner: egg white omelet and grilled asparagus

That's all I have for today sugar plums...until next time.