I am so tired today....I feel pre-coma. This sucks. I have been living off of coke's this week because why? I have a great excuse. Wanna hear it? I can't go grocery shopping for all the healthy stuff until tomorrow afternoon so why not eat like crap all week and continue to drink liquid cocaine? Why not?!
Nice....
Very nice.....
And to top it all off, I failed to mention in my come-back post that I finally have some idea of my paternal family history. See, before I didn't really know my dad's medical history or my grandparents' medical history. Well, I don't know if I ever mentioned the fact that I have always had stomach problems...for the longest time thinking that my nervous stomach stemmed from my anxieties (which it does play a part) but I find out from my grandmother recently that IBS runs in our family and that her father, herself, and my uncle all have been diagnosed with IBS. Now years ago, I researched my symtoms I have had since I was a teenager and everything pointed to IBS but I refused to go poop in a cup to confirm it. So I chalked it up to nervous stomach and anxiety. From what I have read recently about IBS, it goes hand and hand with anxiety and most people with IBS have anxiety too. It all seems to be making since now.
My father died because he was diagnosed with HEP C when he was in his 20's. The HEP C turned into cirrhosis of the liver and from there became metastatic liver cancer that created tumor masses in his esophagus and small intestines. He contracted the HEP C from either tattoo needles or drug usage. He was only 44 years old when he died. So where there is slight relief in knowing that his cancer was not genetic it doesn't go far because I found out that both of my great-grandparents (my grandma's parents) died from cancer. This knowlege only adds to my existing anxiety problems. And now I am almost certain I have IBS and am terrified that it will morph into something fatal one day. So it's been a vicious cycle. I would really like to go see a professional for some guidance on my issues or even medication because they are only getting worse as I get older. My mind races non stop and in one word my thoughts are "unbareable" at best.
Wow, that was a little heavy huh?
Moving on, As I mentioned above my diet is still NOT a diet at all and that must change. The BFF's bday is next month and we both promised ourselves that we would lose at least a million pounds by then (FAIL!). Time is not on our sides so we have GOT TO GET WITH THE PROGRAM ALREADY!!!!!! Dude! Come on!!!!! eek!!!!
Anyway that's my bitching for the day. Until next time.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Yes, I am back!
Wow, Ok. I don't even know how long it has been. Something told me to log in today for the first time in ages and seeing all my old peeps still hanging strong out here really brought me back to the blogging days and how it helped keep me stay on track (for a while). I think I will ring back in for now. I will say this....I have totally back-tracked on my weight loss. WAY BACK TRACKED!!!! As in gained ALL my weight back plus a few pounds. Very embarrassing (shoot me now). I literally just completely gave up and ate myself into a marshallow-covered-in-chicken-wire oblivion. I was having all kinds of troubles with my band, got sick of getting stuck on EVERYTHING, was in the process of getting it removed until they slapped me with a quote of $5000 for the removal and I was like ummm....no! So I had a complete unfill about 5 or 6 months ago and everything has been peach pie since (no more stuck! thank God!). And no, the unfill did not cause the weight gain. I have been back at square one since way before the unfill and it SUCKS royal ass.
Just a quick break down of my life lately. I started talking to my father again last year after about 13 years of no contact with him and he passed away this May with cancer. Very sudden and very awful. I have accepted it and am just grateful that I got to know him for a year before he was gone. I believe it was meant to be that I just decided to write him a letter one day and things went from there otherwise the opportunity would have been loss. At least now I have that memory of him.
My husband and I have been working on buying our first home since March of this year. PAIN IN THE BU-DONK! We have jumped through a gazillion hoops and now have a bid in on a wonderful brick home and (fingers crossed) God willing we will get in it.
Work is the same...I am still at the bank...still pulling my freakin hair out. Still letting food be my bestest friend (will I ever learn), still a food addict (it's a disease I tell you!!!) and still crazy. Yes all of those things. It's very frustrating and whatnot and blah blah blah. I'll spare you the complete sob story.
I was just looking at this new blogger layout and saw that my blog had been viewed 18 times today. The most popular post for today was one which involved a photo of me in a bikini last year and me talking about how my boobs were flattened because it was made for a kid. (HA!!!) If only I could go back to that day, kick myself in the arse and say "WAKE UP! You are rockin' this" maybe I wouldn't have tiptoed backwards. Hell, wait, tiptoed? More like sprinted! GEEZ!
Anyway...conveniently enough I have jump started my journey today to lose the weight....once again...for the millionth time...again!!!! Meanwhile, I have gone to pee about 7 times today because I have drank 4 bottles of water since I got to work. No biggy, you say? Well it is a big deal when you consider the fact that I haven't drank a full bottle of water in one day in months. Yes I became a coca cola whore and a sweet tea addict (possibly contributing to 50% of my weight gain). I have also stuck every carb known to man in my mouth on a daily basis. Complete lack of give-a-crap on my part. You know at least last year when I was blogging I may have been back and forth on my weight loss journey but I always came back regularly....I would try and then not and try and then not. But this time around I completely STOPPED. Fully haulted all weight loss efforts and didn't care anymore and now I have fat in places I have never had fat before....more hail damage than ever before....OMG! No lie! It's literally scary to see myself naked. (sighs. hangs head in shame). I see these pictures from last year and could just barf! I thought I had soooo much more to go last year and boy, I didn't know what the hell I was thinking.
But anyway enough pity! I just wanted to say hello to everyone and say that I am back....if anyone has read this whole thing...thank you for hanging in there! haha
Until next time.
Just a quick break down of my life lately. I started talking to my father again last year after about 13 years of no contact with him and he passed away this May with cancer. Very sudden and very awful. I have accepted it and am just grateful that I got to know him for a year before he was gone. I believe it was meant to be that I just decided to write him a letter one day and things went from there otherwise the opportunity would have been loss. At least now I have that memory of him.
My husband and I have been working on buying our first home since March of this year. PAIN IN THE BU-DONK! We have jumped through a gazillion hoops and now have a bid in on a wonderful brick home and (fingers crossed) God willing we will get in it.
Work is the same...I am still at the bank...still pulling my freakin hair out. Still letting food be my bestest friend (will I ever learn), still a food addict (it's a disease I tell you!!!) and still crazy. Yes all of those things. It's very frustrating and whatnot and blah blah blah. I'll spare you the complete sob story.
I was just looking at this new blogger layout and saw that my blog had been viewed 18 times today. The most popular post for today was one which involved a photo of me in a bikini last year and me talking about how my boobs were flattened because it was made for a kid. (HA!!!) If only I could go back to that day, kick myself in the arse and say "WAKE UP! You are rockin' this" maybe I wouldn't have tiptoed backwards. Hell, wait, tiptoed? More like sprinted! GEEZ!
Anyway...conveniently enough I have jump started my journey today to lose the weight....once again...for the millionth time...again!!!! Meanwhile, I have gone to pee about 7 times today because I have drank 4 bottles of water since I got to work. No biggy, you say? Well it is a big deal when you consider the fact that I haven't drank a full bottle of water in one day in months. Yes I became a coca cola whore and a sweet tea addict (possibly contributing to 50% of my weight gain). I have also stuck every carb known to man in my mouth on a daily basis. Complete lack of give-a-crap on my part. You know at least last year when I was blogging I may have been back and forth on my weight loss journey but I always came back regularly....I would try and then not and try and then not. But this time around I completely STOPPED. Fully haulted all weight loss efforts and didn't care anymore and now I have fat in places I have never had fat before....more hail damage than ever before....OMG! No lie! It's literally scary to see myself naked. (sighs. hangs head in shame). I see these pictures from last year and could just barf! I thought I had soooo much more to go last year and boy, I didn't know what the hell I was thinking.
But anyway enough pity! I just wanted to say hello to everyone and say that I am back....if anyone has read this whole thing...thank you for hanging in there! haha
Until next time.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Run, run, run away!
So the husband got my treadmill on Saturday night and was setting it up when I got home. It's a really nice treadmill. We picked it out together several weeks ago and it's basically a Christmas gift that we both wanted. He wanted the Flex belt for ABS (I told him those things don't work but he insisted they do...). Good for him. We shall see how well that thing just "makes" abs without the heart rate being raised. If it was that easy we would all be supermodels, I say.
So to celebrate the purchase of that demonic contraption I will be learning how to run on...I went out yesterday and got me some runnin' shoes! Yepperz....they sure are purty and pretty darn comfy, I might add. I tested them out last night on the dready (pet name for the demonic treadmill) and it went well...as well as it could go anyway. I mean I was huffin and puffin at .5 speed and 0 incline.....haha Not really....that would be sad. I look up at the husband and say it's time to tape the girls down because I can't run with them smacking me in the face. He said he doesn't ever remember seeing me run in the 8 years we have been together. I can believe it. I hate running. I told him the Biggest Loser contestants can run at like a 7 while they are training and I attempted that. *Note to self....7.0 is no bueno for Jessica at this point in time. I literally almost buckled and slid off. I am SOOOOO out of shape right now. I don't think I have actually worked out for real in several months. Up until last week my two friends and I were walking 4 miles about 4 nights a week. That did wonders for my calves but not much else. I wasn't getting a burn or anything really. I feel fatter than ever...literally. I don't think I have EVER had this much fat accumulated on my body at once even pre-band. Damn damn damn....
So to celebrate the purchase of that demonic contraption I will be learning how to run on...I went out yesterday and got me some runnin' shoes! Yepperz....they sure are purty and pretty darn comfy, I might add. I tested them out last night on the dready (pet name for the demonic treadmill) and it went well...as well as it could go anyway. I mean I was huffin and puffin at .5 speed and 0 incline.....haha Not really....that would be sad. I look up at the husband and say it's time to tape the girls down because I can't run with them smacking me in the face. He said he doesn't ever remember seeing me run in the 8 years we have been together. I can believe it. I hate running. I told him the Biggest Loser contestants can run at like a 7 while they are training and I attempted that. *Note to self....7.0 is no bueno for Jessica at this point in time. I literally almost buckled and slid off. I am SOOOOO out of shape right now. I don't think I have actually worked out for real in several months. Up until last week my two friends and I were walking 4 miles about 4 nights a week. That did wonders for my calves but not much else. I wasn't getting a burn or anything really. I feel fatter than ever...literally. I don't think I have EVER had this much fat accumulated on my body at once even pre-band. Damn damn damn....
Time to get it poppin'
Thursday, December 8, 2011
New Orleans...Bourbon St
Oh yes, I figured while I am on a roll and all with my sharing stuff after my 5 month disappearance...My friends and I just returned from our trip to New Orleans on Monday. It was only a weekend trip but it seemed like it lasted a week. It was a good time as usual. We got lots of cute and somewhat drunken pictures....haha. We went to the St Louis Cemetary 1 and I got pictures of Nicolas Cage's pyramid tomb and Maria Laveau's. Very interesting....Anyhoo
I figured you are all probably just dying to know how I am looking these days (don't get too excited...I'm not) so I am going to post some pictures of me trying on my outfits I bought to wear in NOLA. Here we go...
I figured you are all probably just dying to know how I am looking these days (don't get too excited...I'm not) so I am going to post some pictures of me trying on my outfits I bought to wear in NOLA. Here we go...
Friday Night
Saturday
Saturday Night
Geez!
Hello again....
Well, it's only been centuries since I posted anything. I almost gave up on it all, honestly. I have been guilty of lurking in the shadows and reading some posts every once in a blue moon (not very often actually). I just got depressed reading about everyone's "journey" and realizing that my journey has been put in reverse for a while now. Technically not a damn drop of progress made. I am still in this "rut" in the realm of fat where everyone resembles marshmallows with eyeballs and boobs. I have lost myself for the hundredth time. I am sick of it. And on top of it all, not that I blame anyone at all, I am losing followers too. Oh yes, my number is slowling decreasing. What's wrong with you people? You don't enjoy following someone on a blog that never....blogs??? hahaha Yeah I don't blame you.
Here's a plus in my cards....I am buying a really nice treadmill this weekend with the hubby as an early Christmas present to ourselves. Question is...will have the balls to use it?
Here's a plus in my cards....I am buying a really nice treadmill this weekend with the hubby as an early Christmas present to ourselves. Question is...will have the balls to use it?
Monday, August 15, 2011
Sooo....yeah that's all I got...
Hello everyone!
I know most of my regular followers have probably wondered a few times if I had fallen in a muddy hole somewhere and got lost. Well I have been pretty lost these last couple of months but not so much in the woods as in my own head. I have been meaning to post something sooner but "today" turned into "tomorrow" turned into like 3 months. So yeah. I was keeping up on reading but I dropped that a few weeks ago too. I just haven't been in the mood for any kind of social upkeep really.
But for the sake of staying semi-sane I decided I would at least be fair enough to let everyone know that I am still around. I haven't completely given up blogging....yet. I have found it harder to blog and even read about everyone else with what's been going on the last few months. I did some light reading today and found that several people have come back from blog hiatus with the typical excuse "I have been hiding because I am ashamed". My excuse is the same theme. My last post involved me finally "trying" to get back on track and I am still in the same water only deeper. I have NOT lost any more weight and what's worse than plateauing??? Hmm...that would be gaining all but 11lbs of my lost weight back. So basically it's like I never got the band. I am technically heavier now than I was on the my surgery day. I won't even get into how utterly depressing that is for me. I am not looking for sympathy. It is what it is. Struggling daily with this has become second nature unfortunately. Yes, I know the solution. I know the formula for weight loss, I just can't seem to use it. I don't know what the blockage is, hell, maybe it's sheer laziness. The cycle continues....I eat because I feel fat and I am fat because I eat. How frickin stupid is that? Makes no sense really.
Anyway:
I am putting together a portfolio to start my apprenticeship to become a tattoo artist. It's something I have been passionate about for years (more of a pipedream) and finally I have decided to go for it. I have always been an artistic person whether it be in crafts, drawing, singing, writing, etc. To me, this is a dream job. Something that I could really enjoy and be proud of. And the money isn't bad either. It will take a while to get up and going but it will be worth it if everything works out. Ultimate goal would be to own a shop and rock it out.
I went on vacation at the end of July and got a new tat and my nose pierced... That was fun! What else? Oh remember how the hubby and I were trying to buy our first house? Yeah well that plan is on hold for a while now because his job is basically screwing him over. His boss is a complete asshole and I can't stand him and he is holding the hubby back just to be a jerk. So the hubby is trying to find a new job as well at a different location. So life has just been super these days. Could be worse I know...count your blessings!
Well that's all I have for now. I am exhausted just talking about it. Hopefully I will pop in more than I have been.....Hopefully!
Miss you guys! tata
I know most of my regular followers have probably wondered a few times if I had fallen in a muddy hole somewhere and got lost. Well I have been pretty lost these last couple of months but not so much in the woods as in my own head. I have been meaning to post something sooner but "today" turned into "tomorrow" turned into like 3 months. So yeah. I was keeping up on reading but I dropped that a few weeks ago too. I just haven't been in the mood for any kind of social upkeep really.
But for the sake of staying semi-sane I decided I would at least be fair enough to let everyone know that I am still around. I haven't completely given up blogging....yet. I have found it harder to blog and even read about everyone else with what's been going on the last few months. I did some light reading today and found that several people have come back from blog hiatus with the typical excuse "I have been hiding because I am ashamed". My excuse is the same theme. My last post involved me finally "trying" to get back on track and I am still in the same water only deeper. I have NOT lost any more weight and what's worse than plateauing??? Hmm...that would be gaining all but 11lbs of my lost weight back. So basically it's like I never got the band. I am technically heavier now than I was on the my surgery day. I won't even get into how utterly depressing that is for me. I am not looking for sympathy. It is what it is. Struggling daily with this has become second nature unfortunately. Yes, I know the solution. I know the formula for weight loss, I just can't seem to use it. I don't know what the blockage is, hell, maybe it's sheer laziness. The cycle continues....I eat because I feel fat and I am fat because I eat. How frickin stupid is that? Makes no sense really.
Anyway:
I am putting together a portfolio to start my apprenticeship to become a tattoo artist. It's something I have been passionate about for years (more of a pipedream) and finally I have decided to go for it. I have always been an artistic person whether it be in crafts, drawing, singing, writing, etc. To me, this is a dream job. Something that I could really enjoy and be proud of. And the money isn't bad either. It will take a while to get up and going but it will be worth it if everything works out. Ultimate goal would be to own a shop and rock it out.
I went on vacation at the end of July and got a new tat and my nose pierced... That was fun! What else? Oh remember how the hubby and I were trying to buy our first house? Yeah well that plan is on hold for a while now because his job is basically screwing him over. His boss is a complete asshole and I can't stand him and he is holding the hubby back just to be a jerk. So the hubby is trying to find a new job as well at a different location. So life has just been super these days. Could be worse I know...count your blessings!
Well that's all I have for now. I am exhausted just talking about it. Hopefully I will pop in more than I have been.....Hopefully!
Miss you guys! tata
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