Thursday, May 26, 2011

La dee da!

I figured I would try to post. Perfect timing since blogland is in an uproar from all it's technical difficulties that have been occurring. I have been keeping up on reading but can't comment half of the time so know this, I still love you guys and am trying to let you know this but blogger won't allow it!

Now for an update. I know everyone is dying to know if I'm at goal yet....I mean I must's been long enough hasn't it? Well NOT even close!!! haha in fact I am stuck in quick sand as we speak drowning in seas of lard and yogurt butter with a touch of granola on top. Yup that's me. I have literally gone from carb counting, to calorie counting, now I am thinking about going paleo again like I used to. I AM LOSING IT FOLKS! Certainly, losing it (and I don't mean lbs either).

On a side note: This really has absolutely nothing to do with anything but I thought I'd mention it anyway since I'm doing so great at blubbering so far. I look at my cell earlier and I had a missed call and voicemail from a strange unknown number. I call it back to see what it is and it's a weight loss surgery center in San Antonio asking me if I ever got surgery. Apparently I had called them back in 2009 to price the lapband at that location. HA! Here's how that went:

Woman: Did you ever have a surgery?

Me: Yes, in Feb 2010 in Houston.

Woman: What did you have done?

Me: Lapband.

Woman: And how has that worked out for you

Me: Pause....Pause...longer pause.... It's worked out ok. (Instantly feeling I should play UP the band and make it sound like my results have been marvelous even though they haven't thanks to my head)

Woman: Oh? (in a tone suggesting she would like more than just "OK")

Me: Pause again....I mean I've done fairly well with it. (like being punched in the gut with guilt for lying)

Woman: Have you been following up with your aftercare as far as adjustments go?

Me: Yes......I am in a good place right now. (Not really. I mean I don't need a fill because I am still a little tight and get stuck out of the blue on a daily basis. BUT I think another unfill would leave me ravenous.)

Woman: Well congrats on following through with the surgery and I am glad it worked out for you!

Me: Thanks alot!


Instantly I thought Oh my gosh, I wonder if they would revise the band for free???? hahahahaha yeah right! Now I know some of you are probably screaming at your monitors right now, "oh you crazy beotch! How you gonna talk smack about the band???" First of all, I am not blaming the band by any means for me not losing. I honestly feel that the weight I have lost (technically 16lbs now that I have gained some back from my lowest) was ALL ME. It didn't have much to do with the band. I know this, because I did it before the band. I have yet to break my lowest low of 169lbs that I got to a few years ago when I did the South Beach Diet for 3 months. In 2 months I had lost 20lbs back then and got down to 169lbs and gained it all back, of course. I haven't seen that number with the band. I think my lowest with the band was 174lbs and that lasted for like a second.

I think my head is too much of a problem still. I don't know if it will ever allow me to truly use the band as the tool it's meant to be. No, this isn't just a phase I am going through because I am discouraged. I have felt this way for a while but was in denial. I didn't want to admit that I basically threw $12,000 down the drain by getting a surgery that EVERYONE close to me told me I shouldn't get. They said that I could do it on my own and I just KNEW without a doubt that the lapband was the answer to doing it. But I think I was wrong. I should've known that I needed to fix my head first. I feel like I am back at square one trying a different diet every other day, obsessed with reading weight loss stories, magazines, books, etc all over again like I used to do. It's like I don't even have the band. And to top things off I think my metabolism is shot for now. It seems that even if I make an effort for a week or so the scale doesn't respond...AT ALL. I think that's why I long for that "new miracle diet" to pop up still to maybe jump start me. I know one thing, I am tired of this cycle.'s only taken me like 2 hours to write this with all the interruptions at work. So I will sign off by saying....Too-daloo friends!

Monday, May 16, 2011

10 days since last confession...

Well, yes, I am still around. I have been trying to keep up with everyone's posts. I must admit I have lost interest in posting for myself just because I don't have any good news to share on the weight loss front. And because of that I feel like there's not many topics I can visit without feeling like a loser. (not fishing for compliments, just stating the facts)

I have been going up and down on the scale (mostly up) and managed to gain back 14lbs from my lowest of 175lbs. You do the math and that's where I've been sitting now for the last week or two. I ATTEMPTED for the last month...or two... to start the Primal diet, the South Beach diet, the Atkins diet (see the low carb trend here?) and had an excuse every day of why I couldn't whether it be not having money at the moment to buy the RIGHT groceries from the food list to not feeling it's the right time because of too many events on my calendar. So when I did have the money I would still buy junk, when I did buy the RIGHT foods I still didn't eat it (no time to cook was the excuse on that one). And when I did attempt to eat the right stuff I would make it to dinner and then go crazy and eat like a maniac. Sooo...

I hate to have to admit it for the millionth  time, but low-carb just isn't for me. I just can't do it. I know some of you have had great success so far and I am sure I could too if I tortured myself to get through it for a while but I know, without a doubt, that I could never stick to it for the rest of my life and that would just lead to a regain plus more once I quit doing it. So I have gone back to the roots of weight loss, the science which is...

calories in vs. calories out

Honestly, this is just the only way I think I can survive. I MUST count calories. It's the only way I can feel less deprived and less psycho about losing. That's what was working for me when I hit my lowest a few months ago and  it can be slow-moving but it's what works. It's one method that's been around forever and has been proven to work many times over.  My vice is hitting a plateau and giving up all hope within a few days of it. That's my problemo. The halt. The end. The dreaded plateau. I must learn to push through it. I have to get to where even if the scale stops moving for a while I still hit the ground running. I need to be less obsessed with the numbers and more watchful of the inches and how my clothes are fitting.

I must do something because it has been scary the last few weeks watching the scale climb up rapidly. I could feel myself losing control and literally see myself swelling up back to the size I started at. Sad process, that's for sure. I have been watching my eating for the last few days and lost a couple of lbs but who knows how accurate that is after all my binging for the last weeks. And because of my eating I stopped weighing regularly because of course I didn't want to see what I weighed because I knew it went up. Classic.

(brief pause because I got busy at work)

It is truly so messed up at how lazy I am. I am sitting here eating a Chobani yogurt and a few almonds and can't help but thinking 'gah, I dread having to be committed to a program'. How unbelievably lazy is this???
I dread having to watch what I eat and plug in food to a calorie counter 3 times a day, and I hate knowing that if I want results I have to go home and exercise. Why can't I enjoy the process damn it??? Why can't I just be grateful that I have been blessed with a body that is able to change if I let it? Nope, instead I want to be lazy and stuff myself to the brim and then whine when my body is overrun by fat? Looney tunes, that's what that is.

Ok. I'm done rambling....for today anyway.

Friday, May 6, 2011


Anyone having to use appetite suppressants plus the band?????? hahaha

Losing my mind...