Thursday, February 24, 2011

One Year Banded!

It seems crazy to me that it's already been a year since I had my surgery. Time really flies, doesn't it? It's kind of sad when I really think about things. I mean I have only lost like 30 pounds in that year. I thought I would be at my goal weight by Christmas last year and not even close. Then I thought ok, how about at least to my mini goal of 150lbs by my hubby's bday on March 18th? I don't see that happening. 25lbs in less than month? Pshhhh...don't think so. So how about by my birthday in June then? Seems attainable if I could stay on track for more than 5 days at a time.

I really don't know what's going on in my head. Why does food have such control over me? Why do I allow myself to binge and binge and binge again? (I realize that since being banded what I eat all day now on a binger would have only been one meal back in the day, but it still sucks). Some days I just feel like I should say "screw it, I am just going to stay at this weight. I don't care anymore" But I know I am only lying to myself because when I look in the mirror I want improvement. I am NOT happy with myself at this weight. I want to be thinner, healthier. I want to prove to myself that I can do it THIS time. And THIS time just never seems to happen. I seriously could just burst into tears right now.

I feel like when I need to improve the most (because of commitments I made, including a wedding in April and this new challenge) I am the least motivated to do it. When there's nothing important really going on is when I get on the ball for a bit. Why is that? Am I determined to fail or something? I want this so bad I can taste it but it's like it's still not enough. I must not WANT it enough or I would do it right?

I don't know. I have done well so far today but I just have that nagging feeling in the back of my stomach   head saying that today is still not the day that I will turn things around for myself. It's like I know that it's pointless because as soon as I get home I will devour 1 of everything in the kitchen and drink my DP that I have been avoiding for days now. The clock is ticking and every day that passes that I don't do this thing right and start exercising again is another day that I have lost that I could be getting fit. I can't imagine the horror I would experience if my SIL and I go to pick up our dresses and do the final fitting and I STILL can't zip that dress. I would just melt into a puddle on the floor and say go ahead and fry me up. I'm just a big fat ass pile of bacon....oink oink.


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

New Spring Challenge

Hi everyone,

I just signed up for a new challenge. This will be my first official challenge that I have participated in for blogland. I am very excited. I think this will motivate me to stay on track more hard core. I REALLY like to win! If you are interested in the challenge check it out by clicking on the link below the picture:

My eating has been off track for over a week now. Yesterday was probably the worst binge ever. 9" spinach alfredo pizza, a cheese enchilada and beef taco, and a chocolate chip cookie???? WTF???

Well I did get my new protein powder in yesterday afternoon so I am starting those today and boy, do I hope it tastes good. If not, I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I have gotta to hop back on this wagon. I dunno, like right now!!! I was supposed to start P90x on Monday but I did the fitness test for the program and didn't realize you aren't supposed to start the actual program on the same day as the fitness test because it's like a double workout. So I was then going to wait and start yesterday but decided I was just too sore from eating all of my wonderful food that I crammed down my throat last night. So today I am hoping my super hard core mentality of "just get the shit done!" will kick in and I can stay on track.

Here's to fingers crossed....

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Oh Bloody hell!

I am sorry Mr. Turtle!!! Geesh!

So I didn't stick to what I said I was going to eat yesterday. Instead I be-cowed (definition: turned into a cow) myself after work and decided I was going to take my chubby butt to Chilli's where I then proceeded to order spinach artichoke dip and tortilla chips AND chicken jalapeno quesadillas!!! Took it to I could basically stuff my face at home instead of in public! Then for "dessert" I ate 5 squares of Dove milk chocolate AFTER I had eaten ALL of the dip and like 25 chips and 3 of the 8 quesadilla wedges! What in the freaking hell was I thinking? Oh, wait! I wasn't thinking! 

And are you ready for the cherry on top??? After all that super-healthy food I just shoveled down my throat I laid on the couch and fell asleep within 20 minutes and slept for 5 hours therefore hindering any ability or "give a shit" to work out. So basically I just screwed myself yesterday. I swear I need to see a shrink. REALLY! And here I was posting merrily yesterday about how glad I was that I had finally overcome long-haul binges and that I could jump back on the "train" and shit. And then I go and do that? I seriously am disgusted in myself right now.

Especially knowing that I need to fit into a size 12 bridesmaid dress by the beginning of April for my sis-in-law's wedding. I tried on a 12 at David's Bridal and the dress zips up the side and I could zip it fine until it gets to my boob area thanks to my lovely little back roll that I have where my bra is. So I need to really kick ass and work out and eat right to lose inches at least to get into that dress. And here I am sabotaging myself like nanner-puss. DAMN!

here is the dress, BTW:

I also ordered a new protein shake yesterday. I was reading Meli's blog yesterday and she was saying how great her new shake tasted. So I ordered the BSN lean desserts in chocolate fudge pudding. If this does taste decent I will probably be trying several of the flavors. I am hoping the combination of getting P90X tomorrow and getting my protein shake in will boost me back in to "weightloss land". I don't know what's going on with me now. Struggles, struggles. 

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Belated-Happy Valentine's Day!

I so wanted to get on here yesterday and tell everyone Happy V-Day but I was busy at work and just ran out of time. I was very pleased when (for the first time in our relationship) I recieved a giant arrangement of a dozen red roses and purple blossom fillers at work from the hubby. I was sooo surprised. He has never sent me flowers before, only given them to me in person. He said he likes to see my face when he gives me gifts but I hinted to him months ago that I would like flowers every once in a while. :)

He is on nights and had to work yesterday so we didn't get to see each other. We celebrated on Sunday and it was nice even though it got cut short because he had to work. Oh well, ya gotta take the time you can get.

I wasn't very good yesterday as far as eating goes. I will admit the last couple of days I went a little haywire and ate crazy! I baked the hubby chocolate chip cookies with pink/red and white chocolate chips for V day on Sunday and I ended up eating quite a few of them. I told him that from now on I will only bake peanut butter cookies on special occasions because he loves them and I hate them and that will remove the temptation. I know, I know, stupid me for baking them in the first place. Ugh!

Then yesterday I went to eat Mexican food with the bestie and another good friend for dinner and said WTH and ate cheese enchiladas with refried beans and.....spanish rice. RICE? I know, I know. And that was AFTER chips, salsa, and some queso and jalapenos. And of course I had to dip into the hubby's box of chocolates I got him for V day too. (Can ya tell V day is no good for me?) I ate 2 of the almond cream chocolates. Dang!

Well don't worry, it was definitely a splurge food wise but I am not off track completely. I am hopping right back on the train today with no problem. In the past, my splurges have always triggered cravings and then the vicious cylce restarts but that hasn't been happening lately. I can be naughty and get back on track quick. I am glad for that. Today is gonna be a fairly clean eating day and I WILL work out tonight.

I have been wanting to get the P90X program. Everyone I know that has used it has raved about it and I think I could use some hard core training. I wanna sweat my ass off and burn tons of calories. So I am thinking about buying it. No one I know has finished it though. They all gave up because they said it's too difficult to stick with but I think I could do it. I have really become an exercise lover so I think it's P for possible!

Today's menu:

Breakfast: 1 cup of plain greek yogurt, 3/4c Kashi crunch cereal, 8 red grapes, and 2 tbsp of slivered almonds
Snack: hot green tea with french vanilla coffemate powder
Lunch: sliced pork and italian style green beans
Snack: 1 light string cheese and 4 strawberries
Dinner: egg white omelet and grilled asparagus

That's all I have for today sugar plums...until next time.

Friday, February 11, 2011

BYOC and lowest low!

1. What day of the week do you love and what day of the week do you hate?

I love Saturday because I wake up knowing I don't have to go to work for 2 more days. I hate Monday because the weekend is over and I am B for bored once again.

2. What is your middle name and is there a meaning behind it?

Mine is Rae. There is a story behind mom and Granny chose it after a character in a movie called Backstreet (1961). Susan Hayward's character was named Rae Smith and they always thought she was beautiful.

3. Since I’m dreaming of my next tattoo, I’m going to ask this one. Do you have any tattoos? How many? If you don’t have one – what would you get if you did have one?

Yes I have a total of 7. I have my upper and lower eyelid (eyeliner), a butterfly on my left side, a tribal rose on my lower back (trampstamp holla!), a rose and thorn on my right calf (signifies that every rose has its thorn), 3 three-leaf clovers on my right foot (Irish pride), 1 blue daisy on my left food (by my pinky toe and it's a best friend tattoo), and my newest is my gemini sign and a latin phrase "alter ipse amicus" meaning "a friend is another self" on the side of my left foot, also a best friend tattoo. And I'm sure it won't be the last!

4. On that same theme of dirty little secrets…how many piercings do you have? Any you wish you had?

I have 10 currently. 3 in each ear lobe, 1 in my left cartilage, 1 in my right tragus, my tongue, and my belly button. I used to have my nose pierced and I loved it but I kept getting in trouble at work for it so I finally took it out. I plan on getting that re-done one day.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your life in blog land and in real life.

Blog land: has been pretty good. I have been having some NSV's here and there and I have actually been keeping up on my reading, which is always good.

Real life: Has been pretty decent. I have been super busy and have alot of things happening at once but all in all it's good.

And now for my lowest low! I got to work out last night for my 30 minutes that I promised myself and I ate excellent yesterday! Very proud. So I decided to weigh in this morning just to see if cutting out my protein shakes and going semi-vegitarian made a difference the last couple of days and guess DID! I weighed in at 175.2lbs! My lowest before this was 176 and I have NEVER, EVER even last summer, made it past 176! I am super proud. I feel like I finally broke the barrier and have figured this out. Hopefully I'm not jumping the gun here but I hope this trend continues. Fingers crossed!

Have a super weekend. I am going bridesmaid dress shopping tomorrow for my sister-in-law's wedding in April. I am hoping by the wedding I will have lost another size! woo hoo!

That is all.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Catching too many z's???

Just thought I'd stop by and post what I am eating for today:

Breakfast: 1 cup of plain greek yogurt, 3/4cup Kashi crunch cereal, about 8 blueberries, 2 tbsp walnuts
Snack: 8oz Naked Green Goodness juice (yummy!)
Lunch: fresh spinach salad with 1/2 cup of chickpeas and 2 tbsp red french vinaigrette
Snack: 1 light string cheese and 2 slices of natural turkey breast
Dinner: 8oz of Naked protein drink, 4 oz of pure carrott juice, and 3 potato and cheese pierogies

Water: 112oz
Exercise: I intend on doing at least 30 minutes of fitness routine on the wii

I haven't worked out since Sunday. The hubby is on days this week because he is training for the Hazwoper and he hasn't been going to bed until like midnight. Usually he goes to bed by 8pm when he is on days and that allows me my time to exercise and have me time. So this is really throwing things off. I have been dealing with some extreme tiredness at night this entire week. I literally eat dinner and within 20 minutes of sitting on the couch I pass out for a 5-6 hour nap. I then wake up at like midnight and have to take a shower and go back to bed. It's CRAZY! It's screwing up my whole routine not to mention all the calories that are turning into fat as I lay there drooling right after dinner. I just feel blah. Energy-less. I did stop drinking my Click shakes so I am slowly weening myself off of caffeine and that probably doesn't help. But I have already told hubby that tonight he will have to entertain himself for my workout time.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Dirty little secret...

Ok so everyone was asking what I used on my scars from surgery thanks to my lovely photos from yesterday. Did I use a miracle cream? Well I wish there was such thing but apparently there's not. I will be honest in saying that I didn't really use anything in particular religiously. Every once in a while I would rub a little Vitamin E oil on them and I always use lotion on my whole body after I shower. I recently purchased some Mederma which I probably used for one week and then stopped. I get lazy with my routine for stuff like that.

So now for the dirty little secret.....




ahhhh!!!! Yes, in a tanning bed. I don't know how many of your do this. I used to tan every year and then last year I decided I was too afraid of skin cancer to do it anymore and I basically became Casper-ella, the friendly freakin ghost girl. I decided about a month ago that I would start tanning again but not as often as I have in the past. I just want a little base tan and then I will maintain that by going a couple times per month. I have only tanned maybe 5 times in the last month and already my scars are almost unnoticeable. So yeah, you wanted to know what kind of magic I was using....there it is....a tan!

A little NSV or is it? I don't know. The hubby has been giving me all kinds of compliments lately about how great I have been looking. He has said in the last week and I quote:

"Well, your butt is getting smaller, more toned."
"I think you look better now than you ever have before"
"You are getting so small."

YAY! When the husband truly notices and isn't just saying so to make you feel good, that is great! I think this is the first time he has ever really stopped and looked at me hard and realized, well, holy shit, she really is changing!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Losing inches, no pounds~

I weighed in yesterday and the scale said 177.0lbs. I'm not gonna kill myself over it. At least I didn't gain. I ate fairly well all week. I did have a couple of high calorie meals like some veggie pizza, a little bit of Mexican food one day, etc. So I can understand it a little bit. But I exercised my ass off again last week and throughout the weekend. I can really see the inches leaving my body but the scale just hates me. I'm bout to just say "f" the frickin scale and just go by clothes from now on. Because it's like I'm supposed to be stuck in the 170's for my whole life! ugh!

I have been cleaning out my pictures on my computer at work and found all of my incision photos from the surgery. I wanted to post a early post op compared to today of my incisions and my stomach itself. Take a looky poo...don't mind my bra in the second one! haha Just wanted to show I still had a little cleavage now that I have officially downgraded to a 36B CUP!!!! AAHHHHHHH....the horror!!!!!

2 weeks post op (sooo swollen...ouch!!!)

Today...(my scars have faded well) Woo hoo!!

Next stop: Breast implants! haha

Friday, February 4, 2011

Happy Freezing Friday!

I just got done reading my comments that you all made on my post yesterday and I am crackin up laughing. I wasn't actually intending on wearing that outfit out at all. I always wear shorts at home because the heat is on and I was just trying on the top to see how it looked. I won't be able to wear that until probably summer time. Maybe by then it will be too big? (wink wink). So no worries. I didn't freeze my ass off.

The crawfish was really yummy last night. I was pleasantly surprised. Nice and spicy. Only bad part is down here we tend to dip the tails in melted butter or some sort of sauce. I had melted butter. Didn't use much of it but I ate about 2lbs of crawfish (equivalent to about 3oz of meat). Sounds like alot but when you throw away everything but the tail it doesn't amount to much. My friends can eat 5lbs or more by themselves. The first round this season were high quality but fairly small. When summer comes they will be alot bigger (more meat). For those of you who don't know what crawfish is, here is a picture of some boiled crawfish (usually served with spices and corn, potatoes, or mushrooms).

They are ugly little things, remind me of a miniature lobster (pinchers and all). The meat is in the tails. So you basically pick up a whole crawfish and pull the tail apart from the body and then crack the shell around the tail and pull the meat out and the tail meat looks like this in the bowl:

Sounds like a hideous process (and it is if you really think about it). If you get some good sized ones they have a little claw meat too. My friend actually cracks the chest sometimes and eats the lungs (looks like brown tissue paper and is flavorless!) GROSS I know! haha I just eat the tails. All the flavor comes from the boiling process and the spices used. Next time we go I plan on ordering mushrooms with mine and bringing my own butter. I didn't really care for their butter. It was far too thick and greasy like margarine.

Anyhoo...Now that I have given everyone a little Crawfish 101...what else can I say?
Oh, When I got home last night I rested a little and then did my circuit training for 75 minutes and burned about 1500 calories in my workout. I almost passed out by the end but it was great and I felt so accomplished.

One thing I have noticed though that's not so great is that since my unfill I feel nauseous alot. Pre-band I had nauseousness all the time. My doctor summed it up to being sinus drainage causing upset stomach/nausea. But it seems lately that every time I eat I just have that sick feeling and even when I don't eat it's there. When I had my unfill and told the doctor that I experienced stuck pain all the time she said that I should have my gallbladder checked out. I know that gallstones can make you feel sick alot. Well just add that to the pile of crap I have to deal with. Woo hoo. Not! I guess if it continues I will have to make a stupid appointment and go get that looked at. UGH!

Other than that, things are well. I hope everyone has a good weekend!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Crawfish and a new top

Well it's that time of year and our local crawfish shack is open for business for 3 days this week. This is the south after all and crawfish is a major thing down here. I have never been a big fan of just peeling and eating it but I do like it in gumbo and etoufee and cornbread! yum. So tonight I have agreed to go with my friends to the Shack and eat a couple of pounds of crawfish and some boiled shrimp. I will most like get the meaux spicy (the spiciest they serve) and the spice might kill the blandness of just the meat.

Also, my friend at work gave me a few of her tops that she doesn't wear anymore and I kinda like this one. I don't usually wear strapless because my girls like to run to my feet without a bra but I have some strapless bras now that do the trick. I am particularly proud of my collar bone in this picture.

We are in for a freeze tonight and tomorrow. Schools have shut down today and sent kids home and alot of the local businesses are closing too. We are supposed to get 3 inches of snow. The last time the weather got this cold all there were tons of wrecks in town because no one knows how to drive on ice here in the south! haha. I waited in traffic last year for 2 hours to get across a bridge that's like 2 minutes long! Man, I hope that doesn't happen again this year. My friend that I work with said that her dad told her he would take us to work tomorrow in the firetruck, sirens and all! haha Wouldn't that be an entrance???

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Clever title huh? I thought so too. Well I know I haven't posted in a week. I have been very busy with my schedule at work and just had no time. But it's a new month and my schedule has changed and it gives me a little more spare time to keep up with posting and reading up on my fellow bloggers.


To Barbara:
First, I would just like to say (belated, unfortunately) that I am so sorry Barbara for what you are going through. I just found out yesterday because I happened to notice that Sandy Lee commented on my post from last week for a second time and she said something about the sadness going on in blogland right now and that she knows I don't cope with loss well (thank you Sandy Lee for being concerned about me, that touched my heart). I instantly realized something awful must have happened and Barb was the first person that came to mind. So I frantically looked through one post after another and found it. I am literally heart broken over this. I feel so awful. I just have no words. I just wish words were enough but nothing really is enough. Only time can help and even that doesn't fix your heart. Hang in there. My heart goes out to you and your family.


I don't have much news to share other than the fact that I did go to the doctor on Friday to get a slight unfill. They did a barium x-ray and said everything looked fine but I still insisted and she took out .5cc. I haven't had stuck pain not even one time since the unfill. It is WONDERFUL to be able to eat normally again without getting stuck after two bites and hopping around like a toad trying to dislodge whatever the hell it is that is stuck in there. I still have good restriction and can't eat too much and my portions are staying as small as they were before the unfill, just pain free. And amazingly enough, I have less of an appetite than I did before too and am more interested in clean whole foods than cravings for junk. It's crazy. Looks like it's just what I needed to get my groove back. I feel pretty good and I have been working out every day. I worked out the day before yesterday 45 minutes straight doing plyometrics, aerobics, and cardio and burned 840 calories. I was exhausted afterwards but it felt great. When I weighed in at the doctor's (empty stomach and all) their scale said 178.2. So I  lost 2lbs and broke my lowest low and got to 176.0lbs (see my ticker) as of Monday.

Although I love my Click protein shakes I feel like when I skip the shakes for a couple of days on the weekend that I lose more weight without them. I am convinced I must be sensitive to the caffeine. I know I have asked about this before and I know alot of you drink coffee every day. But this is the second time I have tested this theory and I must be one of the lucky winners that can't drink caffeine on a regular basis. Sucks because I really enjoy my shakes. I have even cut down to 1 shake a day instead of 2 and still had better results when I skipped them altogether. I hate the caffeine withdrawals though. I am super tired right now because I am skipping my shake today to try and ween myself off of them. I wish there was a protein shake that had the same great taste but no caffeine. That would be awesome, so if any of you are aware of any out there fitting this description please chime in and let me know!!!

NSV: I just bought like 5 pairs of size 10 slacks from Kohl's about 3 or 4 weeks ago. Well they now look like my 12's did on me. I guess I will be downgrading to size 8's the next time I shop because my 10's are too loose now. The exercise is doing the trick. It's nice finally feeling like I am going to really do this. No matter what.

I know, I know...could I shut the heck up already???