Thursday, February 24, 2011
One Year Banded!
It seems crazy to me that it's already been a year since I had my surgery. Time really flies, doesn't it? It's kind of sad when I really think about things. I mean I have only lost like 30 pounds in that year. I thought I would be at my goal weight by Christmas last year and not even close. Then I thought ok, how about at least to my mini goal of 150lbs by my hubby's bday on March 18th? I don't see that happening. 25lbs in less than month? Pshhhh...don't think so. So how about by my birthday in June then? Seems attainable if I could stay on track for more than 5 days at a time.
I really don't know what's going on in my head. Why does food have such control over me? Why do I allow myself to binge and binge and binge again? (I realize that since being banded what I eat all day now on a binger would have only been one meal back in the day, but it still sucks). Some days I just feel like I should say "screw it, I am just going to stay at this weight. I don't care anymore" But I know I am only lying to myself because when I look in the mirror I want improvement. I am NOT happy with myself at this weight. I want to be thinner, healthier. I want to prove to myself that I can do it THIS time. And THIS time just never seems to happen. I seriously could just burst into tears right now.
I feel like when I need to improve the most (because of commitments I made, including a wedding in April and this new challenge) I am the least motivated to do it. When there's nothing important really going on is when I get on the ball for a bit. Why is that? Am I determined to fail or something? I want this so bad I can taste it but it's like it's still not enough. I must not WANT it enough or I would do it right?