Thursday, February 24, 2011

One Year Banded!

It seems crazy to me that it's already been a year since I had my surgery. Time really flies, doesn't it? It's kind of sad when I really think about things. I mean I have only lost like 30 pounds in that year. I thought I would be at my goal weight by Christmas last year and not even close. Then I thought ok, how about at least to my mini goal of 150lbs by my hubby's bday on March 18th? I don't see that happening. 25lbs in less than month? Pshhhh...don't think so. So how about by my birthday in June then? Seems attainable if I could stay on track for more than 5 days at a time.

I really don't know what's going on in my head. Why does food have such control over me? Why do I allow myself to binge and binge and binge again? (I realize that since being banded what I eat all day now on a binger would have only been one meal back in the day, but it still sucks). Some days I just feel like I should say "screw it, I am just going to stay at this weight. I don't care anymore" But I know I am only lying to myself because when I look in the mirror I want improvement. I am NOT happy with myself at this weight. I want to be thinner, healthier. I want to prove to myself that I can do it THIS time. And THIS time just never seems to happen. I seriously could just burst into tears right now.

I feel like when I need to improve the most (because of commitments I made, including a wedding in April and this new challenge) I am the least motivated to do it. When there's nothing important really going on is when I get on the ball for a bit. Why is that? Am I determined to fail or something? I want this so bad I can taste it but it's like it's still not enough. I must not WANT it enough or I would do it right?

I don't know. I have done well so far today but I just have that nagging feeling in the back of my stomach   head saying that today is still not the day that I will turn things around for myself. It's like I know that it's pointless because as soon as I get home I will devour 1 of everything in the kitchen and drink my DP that I have been avoiding for days now. The clock is ticking and every day that passes that I don't do this thing right and start exercising again is another day that I have lost that I could be getting fit. I can't imagine the horror I would experience if my SIL and I go to pick up our dresses and do the final fitting and I STILL can't zip that dress. I would just melt into a puddle on the floor and say go ahead and fry me up. I'm just a big fat ass pile of bacon....oink oink.



  1. Do you want a pat on the head, or the truth ?

  2. Happy Bandiversary. You are 30 pounds less than last year. Woo Hoo for that. And yes, that is the truth. Let no one discount your hard work.

  3. I'm so glad you're joining the Spring Challenge! It may be just the thing to give you the extra boost you need to get going full-speed ahead!

  4. I've been seeing this a lot around here. You may not be HAPPY with where you are but you're content. And being content is a hurdle to being motivated. You want to fit into that dress...get going. You DO have to want it badly enough. 30 lbs ago, you wanted to lose it REALLY probably don't feel quite as desperate to lose now. I hope you find your motivation. Don't be so hard on yourself though. 30 lbs at your starting weight is still really good!

  5. Hi! I am IN LOVE with the Cookies and Cream! MMMMMMM!!! I haven't yet moved past it, lol - but I am gonna stock up on other flavors this weekend. Seriously, when mixed with ice and put in a blender (Smoothie setting) it comes out tasting just like a nice, thick (and good) milkshake! :) Let me know what you get, if you get something other than Cookies and Cream!

  6. You are not a pile of bacon. You do need to keep trying to figure out your fear of failure and your self-sabotaging....we all do. Facing these things is hard but there is a reason. Keep asking the hard questions...and keep working out...please. You know you want to.

  7. My sister always says it best to me: If you start stressing too hard, nothing comes off. You sabotage. Quit thinking about it so hard girl and just relax and give yourself a break. #1- you are NOT a pile of bacon. That is some seriously ugly self hate talk- knock it off. #2- you CAN do this- you just need to relax. Quit stressing so hard! No- I'm not saying it's easy. No- I'm not saying just blow it off. I'm telling you to quit beating yourself up so much and take the pressure off and just let yourself do what you can. If you can work out for a few minutes- do a few minutes. If you can drink some more water- drink some more water.

    RELAX JESS!!!!!

    I know the wedding is coming up- but you cannot think about it as do or die or you'll die. You and I are the same; I do the exact same thing. It's soo hard when it's you (or me)!!



  8. If these issues were easy, none of us would struggle. No one would be overweight. The band is a tool that creates a physical barrier to overeating and encourages healthy eating behaviors by helping us to eat slower, chew thouroughly and stop when we are full. BUT it is certainly still possible to consume too many calories and that is where our brains come in. When we are motivated to do our part, it isn't so hard, but when we can't find our weight loss mojo or we are outright sabotaging our efforts, well...that doesn't bring success, that's for sure!

    So I think you need to address the second part of the equation. You have the lap-band, a great tool. How can you get your brain back on board? Do you need to see a therapist to work through some issues that drive you to overeat? Would you benefit from a 5-day puch test or fill to re-start your efforts? How about some sessions with a personal trainer? There are many things you can do to work through this. I am confident you will figure it out and see the scale moving again!

  9. the struggles you are having now are the same for everyone. If not, no one in the world would be overweight so don't beat yourself up so much! You started where most people who get WLS hope to end up so your WL will not be as fast as most. Hang in there. Don't give up. I would KILL to be your weight. :)

    - Lisa


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