Same old dreary...

I am so tired today....I feel pre-coma. This sucks. I have been living off of coke's this week because why? I have a great excuse. Wanna hear it? I can't go grocery shopping for all the healthy stuff until tomorrow afternoon so why not eat like crap all week and continue to drink liquid cocaine? Why not?!


Nice....


Very nice.....


And to top it all off, I failed to mention in my come-back post that I finally have some idea of my paternal family history. See, before I didn't really know my dad's medical history or my grandparents' medical history. Well, I don't know if I ever mentioned the fact that I have always had stomach problems...for the longest time thinking that my nervous stomach stemmed from my anxieties (which it does play a part) but I find out from my grandmother recently that IBS runs in our family and that her father, herself, and my uncle all have been diagnosed with IBS. Now years ago, I researched my symtoms I have had since I was a teenager and everything pointed to IBS but I refused to go poop in a cup to confirm it. So I chalked it up to nervous stomach and anxiety. From what I have read recently about IBS, it goes hand and hand with anxiety and most people with IBS have anxiety too. It all seems to be making since now.

My father died because he was diagnosed with HEP C when he was in his 20's. The HEP C turned into cirrhosis of the liver and from there became metastatic liver cancer that created tumor masses in his esophagus and small intestines. He contracted the HEP C from either tattoo needles or drug usage. He was only 44 years old when he died. So where there is slight relief in knowing that his cancer was not genetic it doesn't go far because I found out that both of my great-grandparents (my grandma's parents) died from cancer. This knowlege only adds to my existing anxiety problems. And now I am almost certain I have IBS and am terrified that it will morph into something fatal one day. So it's been a vicious cycle. I would really like to go see a professional for some guidance on my issues or even medication because they are only getting worse as I get older. My mind races non stop and in one word my thoughts are "unbareable" at best.

Wow, that was a little heavy huh?

Moving on, As I mentioned above my diet is still NOT a diet at all and that must change. The BFF's bday is next month and we both promised ourselves that we would lose at least a million pounds by then (FAIL!). Time is not on our sides so we have GOT TO GET WITH THE PROGRAM ALREADY!!!!!! Dude! Come on!!!!! eek!!!!

Anyway that's my bitching for the day. Until next time.