Well I realize this post will probably be forgotten/not seen since 90% of blogland boobs are in Chicago right now! (Lucky you if ya are!!!)
Anyhoo, first off, TGIF. and I mean...TGIF!!!! Hell of a week it has been. I know I haven't been posting alot lately but I have been keeping up my blog reading on a daily basis (very proud of that, BTW!) Well I have been....sick. Yes, every since Sunday I have been trying to overcome a progressive cough that started with an itchy throat and turned into this God awful wheezing chest cough! Well, have I mentioned that I don't get sick? No, really. I don't! I haven't even had so much as a cold in probably 3 years. It's true! Lucky me, I know! Weird, but true. So here I sit with this stupid coughing and fatigue so I went to el doctoro yesterday to see if I could get some kind of cough meds and what does he say???? He diagnoses me with severe allergies and post-nasal drip! Really???? Ok. Hmm...Yeah so they give me a shot in the behunkos (ass) and a script for an albuterol inhaler (for the wheezing cough...just in case) and for nasonex (nasal spray..for the post-nasal drip). Looked at my ears and said that I had fluid build-up and extremely swollen eustacian tubes and eardrum thanks to that post-nasal drip that I have been dealing with for like 2 years now. Who knew???
So I think the shot made the stupid cough WORSE, because now I am coughing constantly that stupid sore, dry cough that never stops itching! Crap!!!
Also, my PawPaw has been in and out of the hospital for the last 2 months with congestive heart failure and a world of other problems. He was married to my grandmother that passed away in February, that I am always referring to. She died from CHF and it's freaking me the hell out. I haven't really mentioned it on here because I don't like to talk about it. But I figure I'd mention it cuz...well after all, therapy is in session (refer to post title).
Anyway....so Here comes the awful truth on the weigh loss end.....why I haven't been posting much....why I think I am losing my frickin' mind.....
I don't know if I can do it anymore. (exhale) Do you ever get tired of having to think so much about it all? I mean I get tired of having to constantly PLAN, and TIME, and THINK, and OBSESS on how to lose weight. Even when you don't "diet" you still have to spend a considerable amount of time on planning things like how many bottles of water to drink and how often, what to cook/buy/eat out for all your meals, when to eat, how many times of day to eat. Am I eating too much? Not enough? All the wrong things?
Should I care more about portions and eat whatever I want just in small doses? FAILED, because when I am eating something I love insanity takes over and I just can't stop at 1 cup!
Should I focus more on eating healthy and enjoy a bigger portion? FAILED, because I get bored to death of meat and veggies and whatever else I plan to eat healthy.
Should I do the pre-op diet again to detox from carbs? Plan on trying that starting Monday. But it will probably FAIL, because I have no absolute drastic reason to stick to that either like I did before surgery. Back then I had to do it because the surgeon would have cancelled my surgery.
I honesty don't know what the hell to do. I am at my wit's (2 t's ???) end. I don't know anymore. I feel like I am slipping on this. I mean come on, I have CHOSEN to screw up over and over again all to lose only 27lbs in the last 7 months, including pre-op?????? Really????? REALLY???? I hate myself right now. I really do.
I know it's my own fault because I made the choices but damn, I feel like I can't beat my mind. I can't beat my stupid head hunger and constant obsessing over what I shouldn't have.
I think I truly need therapy.