I go through this endless cylce of: wake up, get dressed, gonna eat right today (maybe I do) but then by that night or the next day I am back to eating everything I shouldn't be. I have tried the whole don't diet thing and it just doesn't work for me. If I have free reign on every meal to choose and have the excuse I am not dieting then I will eat the worst thing possible every time. When I try to eat healthy for the most part and allow myself the space to be bad once a day or even every couple of days, that one bad thing triggers my binging and I go bananas on anything and everything I can shovel in my mouth.
Drazil said something in one of her posts the other day that reminded me of myself. She said she is an all or nothing person. She can't half ass eat right or half ass eat wrong. It's all or nothing at all. That's me. It's sad really because it's like you realize that your aren't ready yet to allow yourself that freedom of just living. It's a constant concern of what you are going to eat next. Constant! As soon as I make the wrong decision I regret it, but by then I am so consumed with the food that I won't turn around. I say won't because it's not that I can't, it's that I choose not to. How weak is that? I just can't figure myself out. I mean I know (have known for a loooong time) the formula for weight loss and even with having the band as a powerful tool to aide in that, I still struggle. I just can't find my way. I don't know why the hell it is so damn hard for me to grow some balls and just flippin do it.
Anyhoo....this is what I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: 1 cup Plain Greek yogurt by Oikos with 2 splendas (only thing I can eat for breakfast besides liquids thanks to my morning tightness)
Lunch: grilled chicken, sauteed mushrooms, jalapenos, and broccoli with cheese sauce (definitely ate a lil more than 1 cup.)
Snack: 1/2 of a red bell pepper and 1 french onion Laughing Cow cheese triangle (sounds healthy right?)
Dinner: (Here's where I start screwing up!) Fajita salad with chicken fajitas, guacamole, sour cream, lettuce, shredded cheese, and salsa (more than a cup and a ton of fat)
Snack: A slice of Paula Dean chocolate butter cake (it's like a delicious fudge brownie with a crispy butter flavored top...literally sinful)
Thanks to eating the cake I have now slipped into my all or nothing mode and feel like a worthless piece of shit and figure why the hell not have a second dinner? I just screwed up my whole day by eating that cake.
2nd Dinner: Campbell's spaghetti in a can with tons of shredded cheese added to it ( I hate half of the bowl)
2nd Snack: A banana and some cranberry juice
Today's so-far menu: (Again I had every intention this morning of getting the ball rolling on eating healthier for more than half of a day at a time)
Breakfast: 1 cup of Plain Greek yogurt by Brown Cow with 1 splenda
Lunch: 1/3 of a Quiznos chicken caesar salad with peppercorn ranch dressing, 1 cup of Quiznos broccoli cheddar soup. Well, the salads come with sliced flatbread. I intended on just setting that aside and not eating it and towards the end of eating I had a small panic attack and decided I just HAD to eat the flatbread because it was wasteful not to.
So thanks to eating the flatbread, the vicious all or nothing cycle hits again and the first thing I do as I head back to my desk is grab a Dr Pepper to drink at my desk! yup and I am sure tonight I will be shitty again for dinner since I have ruined the day already and I will stuff my face with whatever awful-for-me food I can think of.
And that's that! Yeah this is a classic example of how I sabotage myself all the freakin time. This is why I haven't made progress in months and have been hovering within the same 4 pounds since July! I know some of you may want to tell me AGAIN not to be so hard on myself and to just live life and if the weight loss is slow then it's just slow but really I can't accept that. That's just something most people say to lighten the blow when they really want to say "hey, get up off of your ass and lose the weight. It's your fault your aren't losing so quit throwing one pity party after another and suck it up and either do it or shut the hell up about it!!!!" Believe me, I know. I say this to myself all the time. Iam really just venting out loud.
So I saved a photo for the end. For those of you that have managed to read this far into my blubbering boo hooing of a post, hopefully I haven't bored your to tears. Sorry! See this is what happens when I wait so long between posts! It all just pours out in one long spew of whining. Anyhoo...this is from last Friday. Some friends and I went to the Rice Festival. It's kind of like a fair with rides and food stands and bands play. We had a great time, danced our asses off (I wish!), and then went and sang karaoke afterward until 3am. It was a wicked fun time until the next day when I truly wanted to curl up in a ball and die! yeah!
Cayla, Me, and the BFF Mary!
Until next time...Toodle-loo!