Friday, January 14, 2011

It's been a while...BYOC and some serious stuff

I haven't done BYOC in I don't know how long so I thought I would get back in the game today. Sorry Draz! haha

1. If you were on death row, what would your last meal be before your “death”?

Well this question is thoroughly upsetting because we are all on death row in a sense that death is inevitable but I will answer even though this flares up my death phobia. I would have to say a little of all of my favs including: spinach alfredo pizza, cornbread stuffing, ravioli di portabello, baked potato with chopped bbq, mac and cheese from Golden Corral, and of course, a mexican pizza from Taco Bell. Yup I'd be one stuffed puppy and I'd probably throw it all up before they flipped the switch but that's it!

2. If you drive a car, do you speed?

Yes! I do speed like a bat out of hell. But I am an excellent driver too. No excuse, I know, but it's just me. When I have my brothers and sisters in the car I am more prone to following the speed limit though. I could never forgive myself if my actions hurt them.

3. What movie(s) do/can you watch over and over again?

The House Bunny, Sorority Boys, Titanic, and Wedding Crashers! There's plenty more where those came from! I am def. a movie buff.

4. What’s your favorite blog topic to read about and your favorite blog topic to write about?

To read: Anything weight loss involved. I have been obsessed with this subject (duh) for years and I must read anything and everything someone else is doing to succeed in hopes that I can do the same thing. Yet somehow, I never seem to apply it to myself and am stuck in fat hell.

To write: I like to write about every day life. To me pictures and written words save memories that your mind may have trouble finding as you get older. It's very important to me to have things I can look back on and learn about myself and who I was and who I am now. It all ties into my fear of aging and especially my fear of death. (I have been dwelling on this subject lately, in case you couldn't tell by my multiple mentions of it so far)

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blogland and in real life.

Well I haven't been writing so so much because I haven't had much to say really. I am kinda holding back waiting on some success to write about. I am tired of the whole "I'm trying, I'm not trying" crap. So yeah. But I have been keeping up on my reading so that's good. In real life, this week has sucked really. Don't care to go into to details but I see a brighter week up ahead (hopefully)

Onto an explanation of my fears above. I don't want to get too into this because it's something that I honestly probably should go to therapy for. I don't see therapy helping too much though because my fear isn't something that you can be cured of. It's not something jumping out of airplanes or sleeping with the light off can help. I will most definitely age and eventually death will find me. This subject makes me twitch. I don't share these feeling very often with anyone because people find it strange or something they prefer to avoid. The average person can think about it for a minute but ultimately stears clear of the subject because they'd rather not dwell on it. Life is life and it ends for everyone and that's how people see it. I, on the other hand, am a dweller. Over the last couple of years my fears have altered a bit or possibly personified more of the aging part.

Every day when I look in the mirror or am getting dressed and look at myself thoughts sworm my head like what will I do when my looks are gone completely? How will I look when I am 30, 40, 50 and I wish I could look the same? My biggest concern is that when I do grow older and my life changes that I will look back on these very moments from today and wish I could go back, wish I could change everything. I feel like my life has already slipped away in some ways. Like I have waited too long to do things and I am 24. I know I am young but to me it's hard to cope with the fact that we have no choice in the matter. I don't understand life really. I don't understand what the point is for something to be born only to die. I hate talking about it because I know people don't want to talk about these things. They just want to live and enjoy the life they have while they can. I just can't help it. I am consumed by it. Always have been since I was 7 years old. It's only gotten worse over the years. Lately it's been especially hard.

I know I have talked about this once or twice last year and yes, my grandmother's death last year has made this anxiety worse than ever. I just think of how alive she was when I was younger. How vibrant and beautiful she was and how she made it a point to look wonderful every day. I always felt like I would strive to be like her and age gracefully. She gave me hope that you can still be beautiful when you are older. But in the end she gave up on that. She looked horrible. She stopped caring about her looks, about her life, because the pain she endured for years finally got her. It finally beat her and I am terrified that my life will end the same if I even live that long. I have developed a new issue with my mother. Now that Granny is gone my focus has turned on her. My fear of losing her. My mother is the same vibrant beautiful woman my grandmother always was. She is wild and crazy and lives younger than she is. Just like Granny. I am so afraid that one day she will give up too. She thinks like me in some ways and since Granny's death she is fearful of the same thing happening to her. She is the only person who understands how I feel about my grandmother. She is the only one who remotely knew her like I did. So the fears we share are amplified by that bond. It's particularly hard now that she will have been gone one year next month. I honestly don't know how I have made it this far without having a complete mental break down. Sometimes I  think I have and just don't know it.

Enough of this. For those of you still reading, I hope I haven't depressed the hell out of you by this. I am not looking for sympathy or therapy suggestions. I just needed to say this sort of outside of my mind and maybe let someone who feels the same way about some of this that they are not the only ones. It's hard to deal with what's unchangeable.

Anyway...hope everyone has a great weekend!


  1. To a certain extent, I think everyone feels this way. I actually think a lot like you do. I'm only 29 (and yes, I said ONLY) and I feel like I've already wasted so much time and that I'll never accomoplish a lot of things I'd like to. It's probably been put in the forefront of your mind due to grandmother's death. You're's not one of those fears you can really face and overcome but you can live life to its fullest every day. I think that's the best way to "beat death." Have a good weekend!

  2. Honey - you won't know if therapy can help until you try it. Wouldn't it be amazing if you could find peace with this through that? Your fears are valid - because they are yours. They are real - because they are yours. I can def feel like this sometimes if I let myself go there but I try not to - death is too scary for me. There could be a ton of coping mechanisms you are missing - but you won't know until you ask. You could live in fear the rest of your life - or get healed.....

  3. Oh Jess, we are always here to listen and you make an impact on us even if you don't see it. Death is scary, but so is living. I am so sorry that you are feel like this but keep on writing it all out. There is always a reason why we are on this earth (I am not religious much) but it gives me hope that when I go I will be remembered for what I did. There is a poem called The Dash which I find inspiring: Here is link to the poem:

    I hope it doesn't make you sad, because it helped me realize I have to make the best of what I have with the time we are given.

  4. Now I am depressed... I need a cookie..


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