One Year Banded!

It seems crazy to me that it's already been a year since I had my surgery. Time really flies, doesn't it? It's kind of sad when I really think about things. I mean I have only lost like 30 pounds in that year. I thought I would be at my goal weight by Christmas last year and not even close. Then I thought ok, how about at least to my mini goal of 150lbs by my hubby's bday on March 18th? I don't see that happening. 25lbs in less than month? Pshhhh...don't think so. So how about by my birthday in June then? Seems attainable if I could stay on track for more than 5 days at a time.

I really don't know what's going on in my head. Why does food have such control over me? Why do I allow myself to binge and binge and binge again? (I realize that since being banded what I eat all day now on a binger would have only been one meal back in the day, but it still sucks). Some days I just feel like I should say "screw it, I am just going to stay at this weight. I don't care anymore" But I know I am only lying to myself because when I look in the mirror I want improvement. I am NOT happy with myself at this weight. I want to be thinner, healthier. I want to prove to myself that I can do it THIS time. And THIS time just never seems to happen. I seriously could just burst into tears right now.

I feel like when I need to improve the most (because of commitments I made, including a wedding in April and this new challenge) I am the least motivated to do it. When there's nothing important really going on is when I get on the ball for a bit. Why is that? Am I determined to fail or something? I want this so bad I can taste it but it's like it's still not enough. I must not WANT it enough or I would do it right?

I don't know. I have done well so far today but I just have that nagging feeling in the back of my stomach   head saying that today is still not the day that I will turn things around for myself. It's like I know that it's pointless because as soon as I get home I will devour 1 of everything in the kitchen and drink my DP that I have been avoiding for days now. The clock is ticking and every day that passes that I don't do this thing right and start exercising again is another day that I have lost that I could be getting fit. I can't imagine the horror I would experience if my SIL and I go to pick up our dresses and do the final fitting and I STILL can't zip that dress. I would just melt into a puddle on the floor and say go ahead and fry me up. I'm just a big fat ass pile of bacon....oink oink.

Damn.....

New Spring Challenge

Hi everyone,

I just signed up for a new challenge. This will be my first official challenge that I have participated in for blogland. I am very excited. I think this will motivate me to stay on track more hard core. I REALLY like to win! If you are interested in the challenge check it out by clicking on the link below the picture:

http://girlbanded.blogspot.com/p/suddenly-spring-challenge.html

My eating has been off track for over a week now. Yesterday was probably the worst binge ever. 9" spinach alfredo pizza, a cheese enchilada and beef taco, and a chocolate chip cookie???? WTF???

Well I did get my new protein powder in yesterday afternoon so I am starting those today and boy, do I hope it tastes good. If not, I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I have gotta to hop back on this wagon. I dunno, like right now!!! I was supposed to start P90x on Monday but I did the fitness test for the program and didn't realize you aren't supposed to start the actual program on the same day as the fitness test because it's like a double workout. So I was then going to wait and start yesterday but decided I was just too sore from eating all of my wonderful food that I crammed down my throat last night. So today I am hoping my super hard core mentality of "just get the shit done!" will kick in and I can stay on track.

Here's to fingers crossed....



Oh Bloody hell!



I am sorry Mr. Turtle!!! Geesh!

So I didn't stick to what I said I was going to eat yesterday. Instead I be-cowed (definition: turned into a cow) myself after work and decided I was going to take my chubby butt to Chilli's where I then proceeded to order spinach artichoke dip and tortilla chips AND chicken jalapeno quesadillas!!! Took it to go...so I could basically stuff my face at home instead of in public! Then for "dessert" I ate 5 squares of Dove milk chocolate AFTER I had eaten ALL of the dip and like 25 chips and 3 of the 8 quesadilla wedges! What in the freaking hell was I thinking? Oh, wait! I wasn't thinking! 

And are you ready for the cherry on top??? After all that super-healthy food I just shoveled down my throat I laid on the couch and fell asleep within 20 minutes and slept for 5 hours therefore hindering any ability or "give a shit" to work out. So basically I just screwed myself yesterday. I swear I need to see a shrink. REALLY! And here I was posting merrily yesterday about how glad I was that I had finally overcome long-haul binges and that I could jump back on the "train" and shit. And then I go and do that? I seriously am disgusted in myself right now.

Especially knowing that I need to fit into a size 12 bridesmaid dress by the beginning of April for my sis-in-law's wedding. I tried on a 12 at David's Bridal and the dress zips up the side and I could zip it fine until it gets to my boob area thanks to my lovely little back roll that I have where my bra is. So I need to really kick ass and work out and eat right to lose inches at least to get into that dress. And here I am sabotaging myself like nanner-puss. DAMN!

here is the dress, BTW:

I also ordered a new protein shake yesterday. I was reading Meli's blog yesterday and she was saying how great her new shake tasted. So I ordered the BSN lean desserts in chocolate fudge pudding. If this does taste decent I will probably be trying several of the flavors. I am hoping the combination of getting P90X tomorrow and getting my protein shake in will boost me back in to "weightloss land". I don't know what's going on with me now. Struggles, struggles. 

Belated-Happy Valentine's Day!

I so wanted to get on here yesterday and tell everyone Happy V-Day but I was busy at work and just ran out of time. I was very pleased when (for the first time in our relationship) I recieved a giant arrangement of a dozen red roses and purple blossom fillers at work from the hubby. I was sooo surprised. He has never sent me flowers before, only given them to me in person. He said he likes to see my face when he gives me gifts but I hinted to him months ago that I would like flowers every once in a while. :)

He is on nights and had to work yesterday so we didn't get to see each other. We celebrated on Sunday and it was nice even though it got cut short because he had to work. Oh well, ya gotta take the time you can get.

I wasn't very good yesterday as far as eating goes. I will admit the last couple of days I went a little haywire and ate crazy! I baked the hubby chocolate chip cookies with pink/red and white chocolate chips for V day on Sunday and I ended up eating quite a few of them. I told him that from now on I will only bake peanut butter cookies on special occasions because he loves them and I hate them and that will remove the temptation. I know, I know, stupid me for baking them in the first place. Ugh!

Then yesterday I went to eat Mexican food with the bestie and another good friend for dinner and said WTH and ate cheese enchiladas with refried beans and.....spanish rice. RICE? I know, I know. And that was AFTER chips, salsa, and some queso and jalapenos. And of course I had to dip into the hubby's box of chocolates I got him for V day too. (Can ya tell V day is no good for me?) I ate 2 of the almond cream chocolates. Dang!

Well don't worry, it was definitely a splurge food wise but I am not off track completely. I am hopping right back on the train today with no problem. In the past, my splurges have always triggered cravings and then the vicious cylce restarts but that hasn't been happening lately. I can be naughty and get back on track quick. I am glad for that. Today is gonna be a fairly clean eating day and I WILL work out tonight.

I have been wanting to get the P90X program. Everyone I know that has used it has raved about it and I think I could use some hard core training. I wanna sweat my ass off and burn tons of calories. So I am thinking about buying it. No one I know has finished it though. They all gave up because they said it's too difficult to stick with but I think I could do it. I have really become an exercise lover so I think it's P for possible!

Today's menu:

Breakfast: 1 cup of plain greek yogurt, 3/4c Kashi crunch cereal, 8 red grapes, and 2 tbsp of slivered almonds

Snack: hot green tea with french vanilla coffemate powder

Lunch: sliced pork and italian style green beans

Snack: 1 light string cheese and 4 strawberries

Dinner: egg white omelet and grilled asparagus

That's all I have for today sugar plums...until next time.

BYOC and lowest low!

1. What day of the week do you love and what day of the week do you hate?


I love Saturday because I wake up knowing I don't have to go to work for 2 more days. I hate Monday because the weekend is over and I am B for bored once again.

2. What is your middle name and is there a meaning behind it?


Mine is Rae. There is a story behind it...my mom and Granny chose it after a character in a movie called Backstreet (1961). Susan Hayward's character was named Rae Smith and they always thought she was beautiful.

3. Since I’m dreaming of my next tattoo, I’m going to ask this one. Do you have any tattoos? How many? If you don’t have one – what would you get if you did have one?

Yes I have a total of 7. I have my upper and lower eyelid (eyeliner), a butterfly on my left side, a tribal rose on my lower back (trampstamp holla!), a rose and thorn on my right calf (signifies that every rose has its thorn), 3 three-leaf clovers on my right foot (Irish pride), 1 blue daisy on my left food (by my pinky toe and it's a best friend tattoo), and my newest is my gemini sign and a latin phrase "alter ipse amicus" meaning "a friend is another self" on the side of my left foot, also a best friend tattoo. And I'm sure it won't be the last!

4. On that same theme of dirty little secrets…how many piercings do you have? Any you wish you had?


I have 10 currently. 3 in each ear lobe, 1 in my left cartilage, 1 in my right tragus, my tongue, and my belly button. I used to have my nose pierced and I loved it but I kept getting in trouble at work for it so I finally took it out. I plan on getting that re-done one day.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your life in blog land and in real life.


Blog land: has been pretty good. I have been having some NSV's here and there and I have actually been keeping up on my reading, which is always good.

Real life: Has been pretty decent. I have been super busy and have alot of things happening at once but all in all it's good.


And now for my lowest low! I got to work out last night for my 30 minutes that I promised myself and I ate excellent yesterday! Very proud. So I decided to weigh in this morning just to see if cutting out my protein shakes and going semi-vegitarian made a difference the last couple of days and guess what....it DID! I weighed in at 175.2lbs! My lowest before this was 176 and I have NEVER, EVER even last summer, made it past 176! I am super proud. I feel like I finally broke the barrier and have figured this out. Hopefully I'm not jumping the gun here but I hope this trend continues. Fingers crossed!

Have a super weekend. I am going bridesmaid dress shopping tomorrow for my sister-in-law's wedding in April. I am hoping by the wedding I will have lost another size! woo hoo!

That is all.

Catching too many z's???

Just thought I'd stop by and post what I am eating for today:

Breakfast: 1 cup of plain greek yogurt, 3/4cup Kashi crunch cereal, about 8 blueberries, 2 tbsp walnuts
Snack: 8oz Naked Green Goodness juice (yummy!)
Lunch: fresh spinach salad with 1/2 cup of chickpeas and 2 tbsp red french vinaigrette
Snack: 1 light string cheese and 2 slices of natural turkey breast
Dinner: 8oz of Naked protein drink, 4 oz of pure carrott juice, and 3 potato and cheese pierogies

Water: 112oz
Exercise: I intend on doing at least 30 minutes of fitness routine on the wii

I haven't worked out since Sunday. The hubby is on days this week because he is training for the Hazwoper and he hasn't been going to bed until like midnight. Usually he goes to bed by 8pm when he is on days and that allows me my time to exercise and have me time. So this is really throwing things off. I have been dealing with some extreme tiredness at night this entire week. I literally eat dinner and within 20 minutes of sitting on the couch I pass out for a 5-6 hour nap. I then wake up at like midnight and have to take a shower and go back to bed. It's CRAZY! It's screwing up my whole routine not to mention all the calories that are turning into fat as I lay there drooling right after dinner. I just feel blah. Energy-less. I did stop drinking my Click shakes so I am slowly weening myself off of caffeine and that probably doesn't help. But I have already told hubby that tonight he will have to entertain himself for my workout time.

I HAVE GOT TO WORKOUT!!!

Dirty little secret...

Ok so everyone was asking what I used on my scars from surgery thanks to my lovely photos from yesterday. Did I use a miracle cream? Well I wish there was such thing but apparently there's not. I will be honest in saying that I didn't really use anything in particular religiously. Every once in a while I would rub a little Vitamin E oil on them and I always use lotion on my whole body after I shower. I recently purchased some Mederma which I probably used for one week and then stopped. I get lazy with my routine for stuff like that.

So now for the dirty little secret.....

I....


Am....


TANNING!!!!

ahhhh!!!! Yes, in a tanning bed. I don't know how many of your do this. I used to tan every year and then last year I decided I was too afraid of skin cancer to do it anymore and I basically became Casper-ella, the friendly freakin ghost girl. I decided about a month ago that I would start tanning again but not as often as I have in the past. I just want a little base tan and then I will maintain that by going a couple times per month. I have only tanned maybe 5 times in the last month and already my scars are almost unnoticeable. So yeah, you wanted to know what kind of magic I was using....there it is....a tan!

Also,
A little NSV or is it? I don't know. The hubby has been giving me all kinds of compliments lately about how great I have been looking. He has said in the last week and I quote:

"Well, your butt is getting smaller, more toned."
"I think you look better now than you ever have before"
"You are getting so small."

YAY! When the husband truly notices and isn't just saying so to make you feel good, that is great! I think this is the first time he has ever really stopped and looked at me hard and realized, well, holy shit, she really is changing!