Hi all! Thanks to those of you who responded to my post from yesterday. I am sure it wasn't easy reading all that and trying to figure out what to say to someone who sounds like they have a screw loose! ha! I know I would have had trouble, hell, I don't know what to tell myself. Yes I have thought about the whole professional help thing many times. I know that alot of people go for help when they have phobias and they are able to overcome their fears. Unfortunately my phobia is something that can't be overcome because it can't be beaten. Death is inevitable for us all. We die a little every day and that is what is hard for me to cope with. The finality of it all. That one day it will all be over and I feel like that is unfair. I know it's just life and how it works but if I could live forever I would. I know what you meant when you said you just have to stop thinking about it or put it out of your head. I have mastered that skill over the years. Sometimes it's harder than others to do that. And it's those times that I allow it to break me a little bit. It will be ok and this doesn't affect my every day life to the point that I am weird or anything. People would never know about this without me telling them. It's just one of those deep dark secrets, haha!
Potato? That sounds delish right now!
Anyhoo....enough of the darkness. Time for some light. Today is my 9 week bandiversary. I can't believe that! It seems like I just had surgery like yesterday (minus the pain and lack of breath). This is a bittersweet thought. On one hand I am like wow I had surgery 9 weeks ago and have lost a total of 20 lbs in 10 weeks! Then on the other hand I am like wow I had surgery 9 weeks ago and have lost a total of 20lbs in 10 weeks??? I know that technically that's good since it's like 2lbs per week but the fact of the matter is, I lost 16 of those lbs during the pre op diet and first week of surgery. So WTH has my body been doing in the last 8 weeks???? Come on!!! Dang. I know it's my own fault. I got so discouraged yesterday. I was starving by the time I got home and frustrated that I was so hungry and that I think I already need a fill AGAIN! Can't have one for another 2 weeks per the nurse that does the fills. So I.....binged a little. Yup I did....I could kick myself hard but part of me is in that "whatever" mood. I started out eating a South Beach diet cereal bar, cinnamon raison, I think, in the car on the way home. Then I had several kettle cooked jalapeno chips (leftover from fishing on Sunday) and dipped them in french onion dip. Then I moved onto a french bread pizza. I did only have the 1 instead of both that come in the box like I usually would but that was more my worry that I would fill up on it and not be able to cram more food down my throat. So I finished that and then had a few bites of black eyed peas and yams ( I made them for the hubby). I took a break at this point because I was pretty much stuffed! Then around 9pm I decided it was dessert time. I poured myself a glass of full Vitamin D milk (ha) and then proceeded to allow about 6 double stuft oreo cookies to melt away in the milk as I ate every bite with a spoon. Yup! Lexi (my band) loved every bite too! That beotch! I am so tired of her only working for a couple of weeks at a time and then taking time off without even asking!!! Crapola!
So today I tried to be extra good and had a protein shot and some hot green tea for breakfast. For lunch, I had grilled shrimp and scallops (I took the batter off of the scallops) with a tiny serving of coleslaw and pinto beans. The platter also came with a heap of fries but I didn't eat not one of them!!! (so proud) It was my first time trying scallops and I must say they are not bad at all! I think I would have liked them better if they had come grilled with spices but that's ok. At least now I know I can order them at other places and enjoy them. Next up on my "must try" list is FISH! I thought about having some flounder today but they only had it fried. So I will try to get it somewhere else.
Also, I got this nifty lil App on my i-phone the other day called My Net Diary. It has all these neato things for weight loss. Anyhoo I entered in all the food I have eaten today to calculate my calories and then you enter your exercise and stuff and it calculates the facts. Well it told me that I am undereating today! haha UNDEREATING? And it said that if I continue this trend I will lost approx 3.9lbs per week! Sounds good to me! I am starving right now though, so who knows what I will eat for dinner.
Ok. I am stopping....right NOW!