Portions and calories, Need advice!!!

Ok. so this is a quickie. I have probably skated around this question before but I need some opinions.  Hopefully I can make sense of it all while writing it. It's hard picking out logical ideas from this here head! haha

So here's the thing...which is better or should I say more prone to weight loss:

A. Eating smaller portions of not mindblowingly semi healthy foods

OR

B. Eating larger portions of super healthy food

For example.... a small cup of broccoli and cheese soup for say, lunch  OR 3oz of meat and a green vegetable for lunch.

The point I am trying to get to is I know that counting calories works. But I find my counting calories method and my counting carbs method keep clashing in my daily thinking. It's like I keep trying to count calories and carbs at the same time and that makes me bored because then the only foods I have left are basically meats and veggies. I get B for bored when that's all I eat and I end up straying from any kind of plan all together and gaining again.

I read something in a magazine the other day about some trial study they did a while back to test that limiting calories does produce weight loss. They did a survey on some people and alot of them said even when they stick to a 1200 calorie a day plan they still don't lose weight. And the doctor said if you stuck those people in a room and gave them 1200 calories a day they would lose weight without a doubt and that the problem is people don't realize how much extra calories they are really consuming daily. That people lack the ability to recognize calories or estimate them.

I think this is me. I count calories and I SWEAR I can eat my daily target to lose so many ounces a day and I still don't lose. I don't get it. That leads me to thinking well I will have to count carbs too because it has to be the carbs that are keeping the weight on, right???? I don't know!!!! WHAT IS IT???????

I read blogs daily and so many times some of you provide your daily menu and it seems like some of you eat so very little. I just read on one that she only brought a couple of protein bars to work and a piece of fruit and that she would probably not eat lunch at all. HOW THE HELL DO YOU DO THAT?????

I keep telling myself that all I have to do is eater smaller portions of high calorie foods and decent portions of low calorie foods and I will lose but it just isn't happening. Like some of you can just have that one little cup of soup for lunch and think well I stayed within a good amount of calories but in my head that seems unhealthy to only have some soup for lunch (even though I ate less than that on the pre-op diet). I just can't bring myself to eat less because I am afraid I am not eating enough but compared to some of you I am eating like a frickin cow!!!!

Does this all make sense? I know I am babbling but I really need as many opinions as possible. Maybe you can just tell me in short detail the rules you follow with eating.

Wow, this isn't short at all....oops! :)

Finally a chance to blog!!!

I haven't been around since last Thursday because work has been CRAZY! Just non-stop crap and my friend that I work with and I have been planning a haunted house for over a month now for the Volunteer Fire Dept in our town. Her dad is the asst. chief and put her in charge of creating a haunted house at the station and she asked me to team up with her to create this "masterpiece of fright". So we have been planning and planning and planning and along with coming up with all of the scenes and themes with her I also had to draw the blueprint/layout of the house for the fire team to build on and I created the flyers and the layout for the giant banner and signs and now I must make the signs for entrance and exit etc. VERY BUSY! I am also going to be an actress in the house. My room is the cemetary and I will be in a coffin covered with spiders and other creepy crawlies. It should be interesting. I am going to get plenty of pictures this weekend and will be posting them after!

Here are some pictures from over the weekend that I promised. In my last post I told everyone that I was going to my little brother's football game for his birthday.

He is number 32! So proud of him. They won the game 26:6!

Here I am the next day at my Mom's house. My sister fixed my hair so I snapped a shot of it.

Here is the dirt cake I made for Jusin. I spelled his name in neon gummy worms.

He LOVED it!

Update on weight: Well this is no excuse but the bank where I work has always carried Ozarka water bottles for employees to drink. All of a sudden last week they changed venders and ordered some nasty offbrand water. Well my husband works in a chemical plant and has told me numerous times about our local brand water that actually comes from runoff water from ditches, sewer systems, etc. that they filter several times and then bottle for selling. And guess what??? This was one of those brands. So I haven't been drinking water...at all at work and only about 1 bottle at home. And I have realized something....I CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT ANYMORE...without drinking water! So what did I replace water at work with? A Dr. Pepper a day! Yes, so now I am re-addicted to DP. GREAT! One more addiction I have to get past. So I broke down yesterday and got a 24 pack of Ozarka from the store and am keeping it at work until they start stocking Ozarka again.

Because of this lack of water and realizing that I can't lose without it I kind of strayed a bit on trying to count calories because I felt that it was pointless since I wasn't drinking my water every day. (What a lame excuse!) It hasn't been too bad but I haven't been making the wisest food choices. Like the other night I ate like 5 oreo cookies for dinner because I didn't feel like a regular meal. Then last night I ate a HUGE and I mean bigger than my hubby's foot huge, sandwich from Quiznos. And yeah it was wheat bread and turkey and veggies but the portion size was massive and it took me a good 3 hours to do it but I ate the whole damn thing!!!! haha... I am getting back on track today now that I got my water.

Daily menu:

Breakfast: Hot chai tea with french vanilla powder and 1 splenda. Peach greek yogurt with 1 tbsp walnuts

Lunch: 3 oz of eye of round super thin steaks sliced up and mixed into an asian medley steamed veggie blend (carrott, baby corn, broccoli, and water chesnuts) and some soy sauce.

Snack: 1 tangerine and a handful of blazing buffalo almonds

Dinner: Taco-less taco salad: lean ground hamburger meat with diced tomato, shredded cheese, lettuce and jalapenos...yum!

Haven't really been going to the gym because I have been so busy after work with shopping for the haunted house but I am going to jump right back in it after it's all over and done with!!!

Well that was a mouthful! Hope I didn't bore you all to death with my rambling...haha

Am I ready for some football?

Well, today is my little brother Justin's 16th birthday. WOW! I feel OLD! I am 8 years older than him! So he is a JV football player in highschool. One of the stars of the football team really. He and my other brother, Danny (17) have played football since they were toddlers so they are both really good. Anyway, I am not much for sports. I never have been. My idea of an interesting sport is ice skating. My mom and stepdad are die-hard football fans. Every Sunday they BBQ and watch football all day long. I am sorry but to me, that is B for boring. (no offense to you sports fans) All my brother wants from me for his bday is to come to his football game tonight and to make him dirt cake for this weekend. So I think I can handle that. I will get pictures tonight and put them up tomorrow!!! :)

Anywayz....so I did go grocery shopping last night and spent way too much money. But I got plenty of healthy foods to cook so that's a plus. I ended up eating a Michael Angelo's vegetable lasagna last night. The individual serving has cheese, squash, zuchinni, carrotts, brocolli and cauliflower. VERY good and only about 350 calories. Not too bad for an entire meal. I also baked banana nut muffins last night and had one right out of the oven for dessert (120 calories). I stayed under my calorie target by 500 calories so I went ahead and lost those pesky 2lbs I gained the other day. But I am still stuck at 182.4lbs. It seems like I have been at that exact weight a hundred times. If I gain a little and then lose again it will be that weight! FREAKY! I can't wait to break out of the 180's for good. Once I am out I will never go back again like I did last time. I WON'T!!!!!

Today's menu:

Breakfast: Hot green tea, vanilla cm powder, and 1 splenda. Blueberry greek yogurt and 2 tbsp of walnuts
Lunch: Hartz chicken but I was really good and ordered a baked chicken breast, skin removed (ate 1/3 of it), corn (about 3 tbsp), cabbage (about 3 tbsp). the meal came with a roll and I literally ate a tiny pinch off of it, barely one bite, and then gave it away. We also had banana pudding but it was yukky so I didn't eat but one tiny bite of it.
Snack: a tangerine and a few smokehouse jalapeno almonds
Dinner: a small salad with romaine lettuce, 1/2 avocado, 1 small roma tomato, and 2 tbsp ranch dressing. 1/2 cup of baked beans and angus beef sausage. YUMMY...can't wait for dinner!
Dessert: probably a banana nut muffin (maybe)

I won't be able to work out AGAIN tonight (seems like I have an excuse every day) because I have to go home and cook dinner and then get up to my bro's game. But I think I might do some runs up and down the bleachers throughout it just to burn up some calories. hehehe We will see tomorrow if I had a loss at all.
*Fingers crossed*

P.S. I hope I am not boring everyone with my daily menu. I know that when I read blogs I love it when people post what they eat every day. It's interesting to see what people who are losing consistently are eating. I hope that I fall into the "losing consistently" category soon!

Fried wha????

Ok so if you read my post from yesterday I said I was going to a fair last night and intended on having an array of yumminess. So I get there and guess what???? NO FRIED OREOS???? Very bummed about that. I was starving and decided to eat crawfish etoufee for dinner. Yum-mmmmy. So I ate about a cup of etoufee, waited 30 minutes and went hunting for my oreos. No luck so I settled for a fried hostess cupcake. It was pretty tasty but didn't compare to my oreos. Aww well it will do. I thought I'd share an interesting fact about some fair food I investigated yesterday.

Crawfish etoufee (1 serving)= 435 calories
Red beans, rice, and sausage (1 serving)= 2,691 calories!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that????? I was in shock. I have eaten this sometimes at the fair in past years and my jaw hit the floor when I saw these numbers. I was trying to decide if I wanted to eat etoufee or this and obviously I went for the the fairer food! haha WOW! Oh and btw I am like huh on the whole fried butter thing ya'll commented about. That's crazy!!! Wow. That's definitely a heart attack packed in batter! But knowing me I would try it once and love it and then strokeville here I come. Also chocolate bacon does sound yum. I could see how the sweet, fat, and salt would be lovely together! Oh my gosh!

Anyway so after all of this last night I got home and around 10:30pm I felt like I was starving. (I ate all the afore mentioned food at 5:30pm) It had been five hours since dinnner so I wanted at least a little snack. I don't usually go to bed until 12 or 1am so I have time to digest anyway. I need to go grocery shopping so there was not very many choices for a snack unless I wanted to eat corn in a can so I decided I would just bake a Digiorno stuffed crust pizza and eat a tiny slice and give the hubby the leftovers for his lunch today. Well I tried that tiny slice and it was soooo damn delicious I devoured the other half of that slice and ended up eating 2 slices of pizza (330 calories a slice!!!) YEAH! I went over my calorie target by like 600 calories and needless to say I paid for it this morning on the scale when I managed to gain 2.2lbs overnight!!!!!! DAMN IT! Aww well back on the boat today and doing well.

Today's menu:

Breakfast: Hot green tea, french vanilla powder, 1 splenda. Pineapple greek yogurt and slivered almonds.
Lunch: grilled chicken and 2 grilled garlic shrimp and about 1/2 cup of steamed garden veggies (squash, zucchini, plum tomatoes, and carrotts)
Snack: Atkins protein shake (chocolate)
Dinner: Not sure yet. Going grocery shopping and will figure it out then but whatever it is will be good!!!!


TTFN everyone!

Yadda Yadda Yadda

Ok. This is a quickie, I promise!

Today's menu:

Breakfast: Same as usual. Hot green tea with french vanilla coffeemate creamer powder and 1 splenda. Pomegranate yogurt
Lunch: grilled chicken salad with lettuce and tomato and a about 3 tbsp of ranch dressing. I also ordered 4 grilled garlic shrimp. I only ate about 1/3 of the salad and 2 of the shrimp. (Saved the rest for leftovers)
Snack: Atkins protein shake (chocolate)
Dinner: Maybe leftovers from lunch and a veggie?

Dessert: Fried oreo cookie!!!!
I know that's TERRIBLE, but the rodeo is in town for it's yearly events and it's like a city fair. We have rides and booths with great stuff to buy and of course the fair food. Funnel cakes, fried EVERYTHING (hell some of us down south would eat an old boot if it's fried! Luckily I'm not one of them!), sausage on a stick, icecream, crawfish etoufee, boudin balls etc etc. My one guilty pleasure at these events is the fried oreo cookies. They only give you 3 in one serving because it's probably enough fat and calories to kill a horse. But I only intend on eating one and giving the rest away. I looked it up and they are 98 calories each. Not too bad considering it's a fried cookie with powdered sugar on it! haha

Anyhoo that's it for now. I will try to take a picture of me enjoying my cookie tonight.

Well, it's working!

I don't know why I would ever doubt it. I mean everyone knows the simplest weight loss formula is burn more calories than you consume! I believe it now! (duh!) So I have officially lost the 7lbs I gained over the last couple of weeks. I technically lost it in about 4 days. So just goes to show that counting calories works. I knew that already but my "oh freakin well" attitude has gotten the best of me more than once while following this plan. Well I'm back! yay!

Today's menu:

Breakfast: Hot green tea, 2 tbsp french vanilla coffee mate (powder), 1 splenda. Then Strawberry greek yogurt and some slivered almonds mixed in.
Lunch: Atkins chocolate shake
Snack: 1 jawbreaker
Snack: about 10 smokehouse jalapeno almonds (I need to find a snack that's not nuts. Seems like I eat a whole lot of em')
Dinner: Fajita flameado from a local Mexican food restaurant. For those of you who have never heard of this delicious dish it's basically a small cup and 1/2 sized appetizer that comes with cubed fajita meat mixed in mexican cheese and queso. It's served with tortillas but I don't eat them. I prefer mine with crunchy tortilla chips and a side of guacamole. It's soooooo very yummy and a small enough serving that it's not a too bad on calories.

Weekend note: I won't pretend to be a saint. I was a little naughty yesterday. (rambling begins) I just got my oven fixed at my house and I haven't been able to bake or cook anything on a stove in YEARS! Yes, that's right...YEARS! I have always used a huge electric skillet for cooking meats and the microwave for everything else. Let me explain, up until March of this year the hubby and I lived in the same home for 5 years and the stove was propane. I hated spending the $350 on getting the propane filled twice a year so I never bothered. So I was without a stove at that house. Then when we moved this year I was promised a stove in our new trailor and it was there, new and all, but the breaker box they set it up on could not power it along with all of the other major appliances. So FINALLY, last week they put it on the big breaker outside and it works! My mind just goes bananas at the thought of all the wonderful foods I can cook now that I couldn't before. Now I can finally put all my expensive low cal, low carb, biggest loser cookbooks to use! How exciting! (rambling ends)

So what do I do with my new contraption? I bake brownies. But fortunately I only had 2 of those last week and gave the rest away. (Pat my back) Then Saturday I baked cranberry-orange muffins. This used to be my favorite muffin my granny used to bake when I was younger. So I had to bake them. I just had to. And I ate them and ate them and ate them. I only baked 1 batch of 6 (medium sized) but I still couldn't stop thinking about them. So yesterday I had 2 left in the container and I decided I couldn't watch my calories with them whispering to me all damn day, so I ate them....BOTH. To get rid of them, of course! And I made ate pasta (shell, ziti, and rigatoni noodles) and alfredo sauce with parmesean cheese and pepper (yummy!) Yesterday was a tough day for me so I let my fat feelings take over just a tiny bit. Not too bad though. I only went over my calorie target by like 50 calories. Way less than I thought.

Anywayz! That's all I have for today so now I gotta start catching up on my reading!

TATA for now!

It's that time again! TGIF!

Here's me today at work. My friend Jessica, just got back from shopping on her lunch break and she buys me clothes too and I try them on. It's fun. So I asked her to get me a pea coat and I love it. The shirt is new too. It's a forest green burnout long sleeve and I love it. I have on some black suede stilettos too but those are her new shoes. She makes me put them on because she gets a kick out of seeing me in heels. I don't wear them often. I am more of a wedge kinda gal.
Time for some BYOC!

1. Tell me about someone you envy.


Well I envy the richies out in Hollywood and everywhere else who are literally swimming in cash. I envy that they don't have to worry about jack shit and that they are free. Free to spend constantly and wine and dine whenever and wherever they feel like.

2. What makes you angry?


driving!!!, crappy water pressure in the shower, the way the world has turned into a crime scene for the most part, when my husband doesn't appreciate me for all that I do for him, and the list goes on and on and on!
 
3. In an effort to help so many that seem to be blue and sad….what do you do when you feel very sad or depressed?

Haha well this is ironic. I usually EAT! Eat my heart's desires in food. I am a dweller. I dwell on things and let them make me just plain sick to my stomach. But yes, food is honestly, the one thing that makes me feel slightly better. I am happy when my tummy (er...head) is happy. :) But since I turned over a new leaf the other day, I plan on keeping it that way but healthier. I think I can still eat my feelings but with good food instead of junk.

4. If you were stranded on a lonely beach, what five things would you want with you to survive (not people)?


Definitely food and water BC I sure don't want to starve to death or have to eat a coconut for every meal like Tom Hanks in Cast Away! A tent or something to keep me sheltered. TV to keep me entertained and hopefully keep me from going insane. And I guess a cell phone so that I could call someone to help me get the hell outta there when I am done enjoying myself!!!!

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and blogland.


Real life: Hmm...let's see...well I turned over a new leaf and all and decided to get my ass in gear and start losing weight again. Which has worked btw, I lost 2.4lbs in the last couple of days (water weight). Probably could have lost more but I have been eating salty foods for certain special occasions too. Damn that salt from hell (haha @ Jenny). And the hubby and I have been butting heads alot and that stresses me out really bad.

Blogland: well as usual I have been keeping up on my reading and commenting quite a bit. I started following some new people and am excited about catching up on their journeys. And everyone has been leaving me super sweet comments this week about my photos and my necklaces etc. Thanks for that everyone! Ya'll are great!


The end....

So my menu for the day:

Breakfast: Hot green tea and 1 splenda. Pomegranate greek yogurt and some chopped walnuts.
Lunch: 1 small hamburger patty, 2 slices of tomato, 3 tbsp jalapeno, 2 tbsp pickles, 1 tsp of mayo, 1 tbsp mustard all cut up and mixed up (burger salad is what I call it!) and I also ordered a side of boudain balls (for those of you who don't know those are rice, sausage and herbs balled in batter and fried. I only ate one (not so bad) and I gave the rest away.
Snack: Atkins chocolate protein shake
Dinner: Leftover chilli from the other night with seasoned ground beef, pinto beans, hominy, and a side of sauteed mushrooms. (about 1 cup)
Maybe 1 tootsie roll thrown in there somewhere for fun. My friend at work and I decorated our department for Halloween and we have candy in one of those bowls with the hand that attacks you when you reach in the bowl. Yeah so that's constant candy temptation there.

Also I worked out again last night and I am getting better at sprinting. I sprinted at 6.5mph for about 1 minute. I did it about 3 times. So I was on the treadmill for about 20 minutes. On the stationary bike for 10 minutes. And then I did some weight training for the arms. A few reps with 2lb dumbbells and then some lat pulldowns. Super proud of that.

Well that's all I have today everyone. Have a great weekend!

Turning over a new leaf????

Figured I'd throw everyone off by posting a pic first! Well, did it work? Hahaha...this is me today at work wearing another one of the necklaces I made the other night. Red turquoise, some bling beads, and a ginormous red and black zebra print cross with some more bling in it. How do you like my "deep thoughts" pose??? hahaha. I had to mix it up some. It seems like all of my face shots look the same. Aww well....

Onto today's menu:

Breakfast: Hot green tea with 1 splenda and Pineapple greek yogurt with a handful of walnuts mixed in. (yum!)
Lunch: Atkins protein shake (surprisingly not hungry at the time)
Dinner: chilli with lean ground beef, chilli beans, and hominy. (a little carby, but at least it's healthy carbs)
Water goal: 6 bottles= 96oz

I am also going to work out today. I plan on walking on the treadmill for about 45 minutes. I am going to attempt to do 5- two minute sprints. Not sure how that will work out just because I am a terrible runner. But I saw on the Biggest Loser last night (die hard fan right here) that Jillian had them running 10-2 minute sprints and I figure if they can do it, I can do it! So we shall see. I wish I knew what level she has them on when they sprint. I think she lets them rest 1 minute in between each sprint. So that's what I am going to do. I would love to progress to being able to run regularly even if it's just half of the time I walk. I know it's a major calorie burner.

I am trying to turn over a new leaf (hence the title to this post). I have been way bitchy lately. And although I know it's mostly water weight I have somehow managed to gain about 6 lbs in 4 days!!!!! YIKES!!!! I weighed this morning and I was at 187lbs. I promised myself I would never go above 185lbs again and here I am 2lbs above that! So I have to get this ball rolling and keep it rolling this time. 187 is sheer devistation to me! I never thought I'd see that high of a number again so I have to get rid of it......QUICKLY!

*Fingers Crossed* this time I will stay strong!

Short and Sweet

Hey there boo boo's.  Just thought I would drop in today cuz I said I would start posting more. FYI, I don't really post on the weekends because I prefer to do it at work. :) Naughty me, I know. Anyhoo...prepare for my daily disgrace.

Breakfast: Hot green tea with almond creme powder coffee mate and 1 splenda. Then a Dr. Atkins protein shake (milk chocolate, so yum, but these really upset my stomach for some reason)
Lunch: Taco Bell: Mexican pizza, a taco, and 1/3 of a 7 layer burrito (yeah talk about ridiculous...but that's me in "kiss-my-ass-I-hate-the-world-and-feel-like-shit mode")
Snack: 1 vanilla tootsie roll and 2 bites of fall cake
Dinner: frito chilli pie (probably 1 cup, it fills me up)

I was going to go work out today but I honestly feel pretty crappy. I couldn't sleep last night so I finally took some cough syrup to get a little drowsy and didn't fall asleep til 3am and had to wake up at 7am. UGH!!!! And the meds stayed in my system because my eyes have felt like a ton of bricks all day. So yeah there's that.

On a happier note: I made a few more necklaces last night and I took a pic of me wearing one today at my desk. It's cotton candy hued turquoise stones and some silver and obviously a giant cross with some bling on it! I was literally laying in my chair. Forgive the dewy face, our AC in our office was whacky today and we were burning up!

Toodles!

BYOC....crazy!

Well I realize I haven't done BYOC in a while either. Damn, where have I been???? GEEZ! MIA, I guess. Well I am back now ppl. Just lettin ya know. Real quick...I just wanted to respond to some of the comments left on my post from yesterday. As far as the whole good/bad food labeling. I have addressed this in the past. I realize how it sounds when I use those terms for food, but the reason I do this is because when I gain on the scale the day after I eat them I realize exactly what foods from the previous day must have caused the gain. For instance, when I ate the fajitas and guacamole and sour cream and cheese, the chicken is fine but the rest is too much fat at one sitting. Compared to what I ate the rest of the day I know that it was the fattening stuff as well as my dessert, etc. that made me gain. Because when I eat those kinds of foods on days that I don't "cheat" I still gain the next day. So I know that it's not just the dessert and the spaghetti that did it. Does that make sense? So yeah, basically foods that don't make me gain weight are "good" and foods that do are "bad"!!! hahaha so I guess it's really different for everyone.

BYOC: The quick version cuz I have like 10 minutes left at work! haha

1. If you wrote a biography on your life, what would the title be?

"Complicated" because that describes me pretty well.

2. Would you take $1 million dollars to leave your present life – including friends and family – to start over somewhere else? You’re leaving your physical location to never go back but you can contact them via phone and net and such. (you take your immediate family with you..spouse, kids, etc.)

Yup, sure would! To not have to worry about money would be fan-freakin-tastic!

3. Are you a person everyone trusts or do you have trouble trusting everyone or both?



Yes, I am very easy to trust. I do have trouble trusting people just because they can be such great liars.

4. Looking back, if I asked you what one event changed the course of your life – and you had to answer immediately the first thing that popped into your head…what would it be?


That would definitely be meeting my husband. I know my life would be a complete opposite of how I am now. He doesn't think so, but I believe meeting him changed my life for the better. I could never regret falling in love with him and making a life with him.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in life and in blogland.

In life: nada mucho going on over here, really. Just struggling with trying to lose weight (as usual). Working, etc, etc.
Blogland: Been reading some very interesting posts lately. Keeping me on my toes. I haven't been posting much unfortunately but that will change now. I will be more frequent about it! :)
Have a great weekend everyone!

Wow, it's been a while

I have been reading everyone's posts daily and realized that I haven't written a post for like 10 days. HA! I haven't really had much to blog about unfortunately. I have been struggling with my STUPID weight loss as usual. I am cursed. Sometimes I just feel like going "oh screw it, I will just stay in the 180's forever!". I know everyone says I should just accept slow weight loss as a positive just because it's still a loss. But I know that if I busted my ass I would have been to my final goal weight by now. I know it. I don't feel that the band has failed me, really, I feel more like I have failed me.

I go through this endless cylce of: wake up, get dressed, gonna eat right today (maybe I do) but then by that night or the next day I am back to eating everything I shouldn't be. I have tried the whole don't diet thing and it just doesn't work for me. If I have free reign on every meal to choose and have the excuse I am not dieting then I will eat the worst thing possible every time. When I try to eat healthy for the most part and allow myself the space to be bad once a day or even every couple of days, that one bad thing triggers my binging and I go bananas on anything and everything I can shovel in my mouth.

Drazil said something in one of her posts the other day that reminded me of myself. She said she is an all or nothing person. She can't half ass eat right or half ass eat wrong. It's all or nothing at all. That's me. It's sad really because it's like you realize that your aren't ready yet to allow yourself that freedom of just living. It's a constant concern of what you are going to eat next. Constant! As soon as I make the wrong decision I regret it, but by then I am so consumed with the food that I won't turn around. I say won't because it's not that I can't, it's that I choose not to. How weak is that? I just can't figure myself out. I mean I know (have known for a loooong time) the formula for weight loss and even with having the band as a powerful tool to aide in that, I still struggle. I just can't find my way. I don't know why the hell it is so damn hard for me to grow some balls and just flippin do it.

Anyhoo....this is what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast: 1 cup Plain Greek yogurt by Oikos with 2 splendas (only thing I can eat for breakfast besides liquids thanks to my morning tightness)
Lunch: grilled chicken, sauteed mushrooms, jalapenos, and broccoli with cheese sauce (definitely ate a lil more than 1 cup.)
Snack: 1/2 of a red bell pepper and 1 french onion Laughing Cow cheese triangle (sounds healthy right?)
Dinner: (Here's where I start screwing up!) Fajita salad with chicken fajitas, guacamole, sour cream, lettuce, shredded cheese, and salsa (more than a cup and a ton of fat)
Snack: A slice of Paula Dean chocolate butter cake (it's like a delicious fudge brownie with a crispy butter flavored top...literally sinful)
Thanks to eating the cake I have now slipped into my all or nothing mode and feel like a worthless piece of shit and figure why the hell not have a second dinner? I just screwed up my whole day by eating that cake.
2nd Dinner: Campbell's spaghetti in a can with tons of shredded cheese added to it ( I hate half of the bowl)
2nd Snack: A banana and some cranberry juice

Today's so-far menu: (Again I had every intention this morning of getting the ball rolling on eating healthier for more than half of a day at a time)

Breakfast: 1 cup of Plain Greek yogurt by Brown Cow with 1 splenda
Lunch: 1/3 of a Quiznos chicken caesar salad with peppercorn ranch dressing, 1 cup of Quiznos broccoli cheddar soup. Well, the salads come with sliced flatbread. I intended on just setting that aside and not eating it and towards the end of eating I had a small panic attack and decided I just HAD to eat the flatbread because it was wasteful not to.
So thanks to eating the flatbread, the vicious all or nothing cycle hits again and the first thing I do as I head back to my desk is grab a Dr Pepper to drink at my desk! yup and I am sure tonight I will be shitty again for dinner since I have ruined the day already and I will stuff my face with whatever awful-for-me food I can think of.

And that's that! Yeah this is a classic example of how I sabotage myself all the freakin time. This is why I haven't made progress in months and have been hovering within the same 4 pounds since July! I know some of you may want to tell me AGAIN not to be so hard on myself and to just live life and if the weight loss is slow then it's just slow but really I can't accept that. That's just something most people say to lighten the blow when they really want to say "hey, get up off of your ass and lose the weight. It's your fault your aren't losing so quit throwing one pity party after another and suck it up and either do it or shut the hell up about it!!!!" Believe me, I know. I say this to myself all the time. Iam really just venting out loud.

So I saved a photo for the end. For those of you that have managed to read this far into my blubbering boo hooing of a post, hopefully I haven't bored your to tears. Sorry! See this is what happens when I wait so long between posts! It all just pours out in one long spew of whining. Anyhoo...this is from last Friday. Some friends and I went to the Rice Festival. It's kind of like a fair with rides and food stands and bands play. We had a great time, danced our asses off (I wish!), and then went and sang karaoke afterward until 3am. It was a wicked fun time until the next day when I truly wanted to curl up in a ball and die! yeah!

Cayla, Me, and the BFF Mary!

Until next time...Toodle-loo!