Monday, April 5, 2010

Pondering....deep thoughts

Ok. So am I lame for thinking that maybe some people think I am silly for blogging about my so-called "weight loss journey"? I realize most people who stumble upon my blog and read a bit realize that I am on this whole lap band weight loss trip and are all interested and what not and then they discover that I had under 100 pounds to lose from the get go and kinda think WTH? How dare she call herself a big girl in a big world when her highest weight was like 206! And how did she even get the LAP BAND??? I mean I kinda get that out here in reality a.k.a my life outside of blogland so I am wondering do some of you think that too??? I think that sometimes people don't take someone who needs to lose less weight as seriously as someone who needs to lose more weight. Ya know, like people who have more to lose than me get pissed off that I call myself fat/big just because they weight more than me. Like basically if I weighed more then people wouldn't look at me crazy or read my blog and roll their eyes like "oh ga, you think you're big? Look at me! Stupid Bitch" And I kinda get that because I have done it before when some of my friends who are bean pole thin are calling themselves fat or saying they need to lose weight. I am thinking "are you kidding me? You weigh like 115 and you think you look fat? What the hell am I then, a whale????" But in my case I AM NOT SKINNY!!!! I hate to break it to the world but being 75 lbs overweight is not THIN. My husband Ryan says stuff like that to me and I get hotter than Georgia asphalt (hmm..not in a good way!) He thinks I should have never gotten banded because I just "wasn't big enough"! Well, guess what peeps, if I wasn't big enough they wouldn't have done the surgery on me. Most people don't realize you only have to be 40lbs overweight to get banded when using the cash option. I dunno it just royally ticks me off that some people are sooo bitchy just because I need to lose 50lbs instead of 200. The way I see it is this, I can see if I needed to lose 10 or 20 and people were ready to smack me but seriously?? If I am in the morbidly obese category, BMI wise, then leave it alone! I am big enough to bitch about my weight and I have enough to lose to have a journey out of it! It's not like I am gonna lose it all in 2 weeks and write deep inspiring thoughts and on the day of goal be like "wow that was the longest 2 week journey ever!!!!" GEEZ!!!

I don't know why I just wrote all that but I am done whining. I was having serious issues yesterday with thoughts of doom and self destruction, etc. I just got a fill on Friday and already can pretty much eat anything and tons of it. No problem, no PB'ing, no nothing. I haven't been eating everything in sight, but I know I can. I can feel that stuff is slipping through the band pretty easily again! I guess I really will have to get frequent fills cuz this won't cut it. It's weird too because it's almost like I wanna test it out and eat food to see what will happen and then when nothing happens I want to punish Lexi (my band) for not doing what I think she is supposed to so I eat more and more and more and I am like take that, Lexi, you lazy bum! Rather ridiculous this vicious cyle, huh? Well you all know how it is I don't have to explain it much. But DANG! The carb devil wants my soul for sure! Yet somehow I managed to lose 3 lbs since Friday. So that's good, even though I ate tuna and parmesean garlic pita chips last night after my doc specifically instructed me to stop eating dang carbs! No bread, pasta, or rice says the after-fill instructions??? Not for me! I ate pasta salad yesterday for Easter lunch and good ol' southern potato salad, and a piece of ham. geesh...I just don't know what I am going to do with myself. I have done ok today though, I just hope it lasts.


  1. lol - this made me laugh. I kinda did think that when I saw 204 but I never thought BAD of you, just more like 'DANG! Why didn't I do this sooner so I could have started at 204 instead of 306??!!' - but that's b/c I'm a jealous bitch! hahahaha!
    It's amazing how much just a few inches on a woman makes such a difference. I'm not saying that I looked good, but at 5'7 I was able to carry my weight pretty well. People didn't realize how much I weighed. Well, my BFF says that anyway - maybe she's just a liar! hahaha!
    Oh, and I get the 'testing' the band thing...I did it too. It's normal. (So says me = the crazy lady!)

  2. Oh Girlfriend, I am so with you on this post. I've been trying to get up the nerve to post the same thing, so thanks so much for saying what I wanted. Same story with me. I started at 209, need to lose 65 pounds, but will be happy with 55 lost. Did I really have to "resort" to the band. Just get some willpower I was told. Well I figure I can match anyone out there for the amount of weight I have to lose. I'm 56, have been dieting for 45 years. At an average loss and gain of 20 pounds that is 900 pounds I have to lose. So yes I deserve the band if this time it keeps it off. I will die otherwise. So as I see it, it doesn't matter if you have 50 or 100 or 150 or 200 pounds to lose. It is still the hardest thing that anyone will ever have to do.

    The one thing I have found is in this blogging world, I don't think anyone has felt that we didn't deserve the band or didn't deserve to lose weight. I sometimes see the huge loses and wonder why I don't get them. But I do have less to lose. And one day they will catch up to me. Stick around. You will see your measly few pounds (I say this in jest) that you have to lose will be just as challenging and difficult as all the others with huge numbers.

    We will get there and we will keep it off and we will be better for it.

  3. Girl, I'm with Jennifer, I wish I would have done this a long time ago. I'm tall and get that a lot from my friends telling me that they didn't think I was big enough to get the band. It's hard to lose and keep off any significant amout of weight. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone!

  4. Who's done said something to you? And, tell Ryan to shut it, cause you're gonna look blammin' when we go to the river.

  5. I never even noticed. Isnt that funny? When I first got banded I noticed a lot more when people who were "small" got the band. But I realized quickly that it is all relative ya know! You need what you need no matter what the weight!


  6. I was 209 was I was banded also and I'm shooting for 65 lbs. to lose. I find that the ones who have told me "I didn't need the band", tend to have more weight to lose than me. Possibly, my doing this makes them feel like they should be doing something about their own weight? I don't know.

    I have a very thin girl friend who is 5'7" and weighs roughly 130 lbs. When she gains 5 lbs, she says "she's getting fat". I used to laugh until she pointed out that when she gains 5 lbs., percentage wise, its more weight on her than someone who weighs more. She's right, if she doesn't lose it and than gains another 5, blah, blah, blah, she will be fat!

  7. Great post - I guess it all goes back to people judging or being scared to do something themselves so they feel the need to question you. It's your body - only you know. I don't have a band but when I gain 10 lbs I feel bigger and not healthy and my BP and cholesterol suffer - though I weigh 160. When I say I need to lose weight I get people rolling eyes and all that - it's hard to deal with but whatever - I know how I feel at what weight I wanna be at. You're doing great - it's your journey - no one else's.

  8. tell them to f off :-)
    like jennifer, i too am a jealous bitch lol but i never thought bad of you or rolled my eyes etc.
    as i told people i was going to have it i too got a lot of "but you aren't big enough for it!" i LOATHED hearing that. plain and simple its your body, do with it what you will :-)

  9. A few have said similar stuff to me (starting BMI 38.5) but none in a negative manner. In fact, I rememeber mostly the other post-op patients in the hospital saying it. I simply said "I'm on the path to worse, not better and I need help reversing that." The women totally understood, one even said "Yep, you're me 10 years ago and boy do I wish I'd have had the opportunity to do this back then."

    I feel empowered that I took control before I got worse.

  10. What's so funny is that I thought I would get people telling me I was too small to get the band, but it hasn't happened yet! Of course, I'm not telling a ton of people, but no one has even said I was one of the smaller bandster's in the group! I think now it is so common (the lap band) and so many people know that it is for people with 50 or more pounds to lose (with co morbidities) that no one bats an eye anymore. I started surgery at 208 and my highest was 217. Ugh. But I have co-morbidities so was definitely a candidate.

  11. I just happen to find your blog through another blog. I had gastric bypass and felt a lot of what you are saying to people in my group who only had hundred or under to lose. And not because I didn't think they deserved or needed a surgery for help but more beause GBP is way more drastic. In my mind a general rule should be under 100 to lose band and over choice. I first checked into a band but for selfish reasons went with the full surgery. I have some regrets for different reasons but in all after losing 170 lbs it is good. I am now where I can eat a lot more and more sugary things and now I have to actually work at maintaining. THe thing with any surgery and I am sure you were told is it a tool. I was like yah whatever but it really really is. I wish there was a fat thinking lobotmy out there that would cure your brain from wanting those carbs and wanting to indulge. We are human so we do what we want as we never outgrow it. It is like well I know I might get burned on the stove but maybe this time will be different with these surgeries is sometimes we get burned and then sometimes we don't then if we don't we wonder why and try again. Sorry to babble but I feel what you are saying and I guess I want you to know you are not alone and you just have to try and want better. You will fail but this is a lifetime of this not just x amount for surgery etc.

    Best of luck and I am so going to become a follower!


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