Ok. So am I lame for thinking that maybe some people think I am silly for blogging about my so-called "weight loss journey"? I realize most people who stumble upon my blog and read a bit realize that I am on this whole lap band weight loss trip and are all interested and what not and then they discover that I had under 100 pounds to lose from the get go and kinda think WTH? How dare she call herself a big girl in a big world when her highest weight was like 206! And how did she even get the LAP BAND??? I mean I kinda get that out here in reality a.k.a my life outside of blogland so I am wondering do some of you think that too??? I think that sometimes people don't take someone who needs to lose less weight as seriously as someone who needs to lose more weight. Ya know, like people who have more to lose than me get pissed off that I call myself fat/big just because they weight more than me. Like basically if I weighed more then people wouldn't look at me crazy or read my blog and roll their eyes like "oh ga, you think you're big? Look at me! Stupid Bitch" And I kinda get that because I have done it before when some of my friends who are bean pole thin are calling themselves fat or saying they need to lose weight. I am thinking "are you kidding me? You weigh like 115 and you think you look fat? What the hell am I then, a whale????" But in my case I AM NOT SKINNY!!!! I hate to break it to the world but being 75 lbs overweight is not THIN. My husband Ryan says stuff like that to me and I get hotter than Georgia asphalt (hmm..not in a good way!) He thinks I should have never gotten banded because I just "wasn't big enough"! Well, guess what peeps, if I wasn't big enough they wouldn't have done the surgery on me. Most people don't realize you only have to be 40lbs overweight to get banded when using the cash option. I dunno it just royally ticks me off that some people are sooo bitchy just because I need to lose 50lbs instead of 200. The way I see it is this, I can see if I needed to lose 10 or 20 and people were ready to smack me but seriously?? If I am in the morbidly obese category, BMI wise, then leave it alone! I am big enough to bitch about my weight and I have enough to lose to have a journey out of it! It's not like I am gonna lose it all in 2 weeks and write deep inspiring thoughts and on the day of goal be like "wow that was the longest 2 week journey ever!!!!" GEEZ!!!
I don't know why I just wrote all that but I am done whining. I was having serious issues yesterday with thoughts of doom and self destruction, etc. I just got a fill on Friday and already can pretty much eat anything and tons of it. No problem, no PB'ing, no nothing. I haven't been eating everything in sight, but I know I can. I can feel that stuff is slipping through the band pretty easily again! I guess I really will have to get frequent fills cuz this won't cut it. It's weird too because it's almost like I wanna test it out and eat food to see what will happen and then when nothing happens I want to punish Lexi (my band) for not doing what I think she is supposed to so I eat more and more and more and I am like take that, Lexi, you lazy bum! Rather ridiculous this vicious cyle, huh? Well you all know how it is I don't have to explain it much. But DANG! The carb devil wants my soul for sure! Yet somehow I managed to lose 3 lbs since Friday. So that's good, even though I ate tuna and parmesean garlic pita chips last night after my doc specifically instructed me to stop eating dang carbs! No bread, pasta, or rice says the after-fill instructions??? Not for me! I ate pasta salad yesterday for Easter lunch and good ol' southern potato salad, and a piece of ham. geesh...I just don't know what I am going to do with myself. I have done ok today though, I just hope it lasts.