Hi Will Power, it's me, Jessica. Ya know, the girl you have run the hell away from? Yeah well I am calling cause I want you back.... RIGHT THIS INSTANT! Where did you go?????
(Will....Will Power come back???? (((cue dramatic soundtrack))) to be continued...)
Yeah that's how I feel people! Like poop and it's all because I have lost my will power. Seriously, I don't know where the hell it is. I just found it again after years without it and I have already lost it again. I don't know what to do. As I told Sandy Lee yesterday I decided the other day to go super low carb again and try to break the addiction AGAIN so I drank only protein shakes for breakfast and lunch yesterday and was going to have the stroganoff sans the rice and by the time I got home I was STARVING (as usual) and I took several bites of the stroganoff while finishing adding some final ingredients and then had that marvelous argument with myself...you know the one....
Me One: Ok. No Rice, Me, we are low/no carbing it for a while.
Me Two: But it's BROWN rice?
Me One: Yeah it is, but it's still a major carb! Have a carrott instead.
Me Two: But if we have no carbs all day then this one carb should be ok right?
Me One: I dunno....it is BROWN rice after all. At least it's the better version of rice.
Me Two: PLEASE?????
Me One: OK!!!! Let's eat it.
Yeah so as you can see from the convo above, I ate the damn rice. Only 1/2 cup but guess what that 1/2 cup did???? It's like giving 1/2 line of cocaine to a drug addict....NO WAY, JOSE! I want MORE!!!!! So that in turn led to a small carb binge of a Kellog's chocolate chip fiber bar (which we all know is just sugar in a wordy wrapper!) and then carrotts and pickles dipped in ranch veggie dip, and then a few more bites of stroganoff, and then I thought about whipping up a piece of 3 cheese Texas Toast garlic bread (avoided it) and instead ate a cinnabon snack bar and then I wanted fruit before I went to bed so I cut up a peach and poured milk on it (peaches n' cream)!!! HOLY HELL!!!! And then washed all of this down with intermittent drinks of raspberry lemonade!!!! hahaha!!! Wow! Can I just shoot myself now? Take me outta muh mysery! Oh and I have no doubt that if I hadn't thrown away all of the chips in the house I would have eaten half a bag or maybe the whole damn thing. And the whole time I am eating all these things I am thinking "Yeah, way to go, dumbshit, way to go!"
Why is this sooo hard for me? I mean I read everyone's blogs and I feel like I am eating the worst out of everyone. Mary is even doing better than I am when it comes to giving into temptation. I am serious about losing this weight for good but how will I living in my head???? It just won't ever go away. I knew I would still have head hunger but I got rid of that during the pre op diet and now it's back full force and ruining everything. I weighed this morning and have gained back almost 2 pounds just from the last 2 days. I know weight fluctuates but it is soooo aggrivating, dang it!
I have a question, hopefully I haven't bored you all to death with my psycho ranting and you are still reading to answer this. If I am drinking the Atkins protein shakes and each shake has 15g protein then would it be better if I drank like 3 a day and then a regular meal too or what? Because as of right now, the protein shake only thing is killing me. I don't remember it being this hard on the pre-op diet. I mean my stomach just wretches and rolls and rumbles even right after I have drank it. I don't know. I am running out of hope. I know I can do this I just feel like I am burying myself in pity and sorrow..... boo hoo....sniff sniff
To top it off I keep having this dream that my fish have flopped out of their tank and are flopping around and dying and I can't catch them because they are so slippery. Weird huh? I have had this recurring dream for years. But lately I have it more often.
Well I will stop here...and let you all process my madness.
Ta ta for now.
Oh yeah! I almost forgot....haha I am glad ya'll like the micro mini piglet from yesterday. Yes they are super adorable. Drazil I don't have $2000 to buy you a mini pig but I guess I could go to the farm and steal a few. I am sure I could fit several in my sweater and get away with it they are so little and all. :)