Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Ring Ring....Will Power you have a call on line one!

Hi Will Power, it's me, Jessica. Ya know, the girl you have run the hell away from? Yeah well I am calling cause I want you back.... RIGHT THIS INSTANT! Where did you go?????

(Will....Will Power come back???? (((cue dramatic soundtrack))) to be continued...)

Yeah that's how I feel people! Like poop and it's all because I have lost my will power. Seriously, I don't know where the hell it is. I just found it again after years without it and I have already lost it again. I don't know what to do. As I told Sandy Lee yesterday I decided the other day to go super low carb again and try to break the addiction AGAIN so I drank only protein shakes for breakfast and lunch yesterday and was going to have the stroganoff sans the rice and by the time I got home I was STARVING (as usual) and I took several bites of the stroganoff while finishing adding some final ingredients and then had that marvelous argument with know the one....
Me One: Ok. No Rice, Me, we are low/no carbing it for a while.
Me Two: But it's BROWN rice?
Me One: Yeah it is, but it's still a major carb! Have a carrott instead.
Me Two: But if we have no carbs all day then this one carb should be ok right?
Me One: I is BROWN rice after all. At least it's the better version of rice.
Me Two: PLEASE?????
Me One: OK!!!! Let's eat it.

Yeah so as you can see from the convo above, I ate the damn rice. Only 1/2 cup but guess what that 1/2 cup did???? It's like giving 1/2 line of cocaine to a drug addict....NO WAY, JOSE! I want MORE!!!!! So that in turn led to a small carb binge of a Kellog's chocolate chip fiber bar (which we all know is just sugar in a wordy wrapper!) and then carrotts and pickles dipped in ranch veggie dip, and then a few more bites of stroganoff, and then I thought about whipping up a piece of 3 cheese Texas Toast garlic bread (avoided it) and instead ate a cinnabon snack bar and then I wanted fruit before I went to bed so I cut up a peach and poured milk on it (peaches n' cream)!!! HOLY HELL!!!! And then washed all of this down with intermittent drinks of raspberry lemonade!!!! hahaha!!! Wow! Can I just shoot myself now? Take me outta muh mysery! Oh and I have no doubt that if I hadn't thrown away all of the chips in the house I would have eaten half a bag or maybe the whole damn thing. And the whole time I am eating all these things I am thinking "Yeah, way to go, dumbshit, way to go!"

Why is this sooo hard for me? I mean I read everyone's blogs and I feel like I am eating the worst out of everyone. Mary is even doing better than I am when it comes to giving into temptation. I am serious about losing this weight for good but how will I living in my head???? It just won't ever go away. I knew I would still have head hunger but I got rid of that during the pre op diet and now it's back full force and ruining everything. I weighed this morning and have gained back almost 2 pounds just from the last 2 days. I know weight fluctuates but it is soooo aggrivating, dang it!

I have a question, hopefully I haven't bored you all to death with my psycho ranting and you are still reading to answer this. If I am drinking the Atkins protein shakes and each shake has 15g protein then would it be better if I drank like 3 a day and then a regular meal too or what? Because as of right now, the protein shake only thing is killing me. I don't remember it being this hard on the pre-op diet. I mean my stomach just wretches and rolls and rumbles even right after I have drank it. I don't know. I am running out of hope. I know I can do this I just feel like I am burying myself in pity and sorrow..... boo hoo....sniff sniff

To top it off I keep having this dream that my fish have flopped out of their tank and are flopping around and dying and I can't catch them because they are so slippery. Weird huh? I have had this recurring dream for years. But lately I have it more often.

Well I will stop here...and let you all process my madness.
Ta ta for now.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot....haha I am glad ya'll like the micro mini piglet from yesterday. Yes they are super adorable. Drazil I don't have $2000 to buy you a mini pig but I guess I could go to the farm and steal a few. I am sure I could fit several in my sweater and get away with it they are so little and all. :)


  1. I ate the second egg. And when I got home made a bowl of icing to put on these mini-muffins I had in a container and ate most of them. Then made an omelette, after my supper. OMG. Low carb is NOT the way to go. Read Gen's blog about not dieting- It is true. Go back to eating normal and let the band work. I'm looking for Pat Ience. Do you think he's hanging around with Will Power. If so, send him back home for me. NO MORE LOW CARB EVER!

  2. Forgot to add-that was one of the funniest posts after all the tear-jerkers in the last week. I was trying to laugh quietly but I think my office mate thinks I'm bonkers. I can send you some of my Easter Cream Eggs-they're on sale you know!

  3. I think its really hard to change how we've been all our lives overnight. I can't give up carbs or any of the food groups. I'm just trying to make better choices. I feel conflicted about this because I want the weight gone fast, but really I just want it gone. So I keep telling myself that if I lose it slower at least its gone. NO MORE DIETING!!!

  4. Jess, I think what you are experiencing is the perfect example of why dieting doesn't work. You are trying to restrict your food and ending up rebeling against the restrictions and eating even more food. It is a vicious cycle. I have litterally wasted years of my life fighting this battle of diet v. binge and it can't be won. When I read your narrative and get to the point where you wanted the brown rice, I want to scream STOP! You were HUNGRY and brown rice is very healthy and filling. All you'd "eaten" were protein shakes that are not filling nor satisfying. I don't think it was the carbs in the rice that led to the binge - I think it was the feeling of deprevation.

    Regarding the protein shake question, it is always better to get your protein from real food whenever possible. I usually have one protein shake a day with 30 grams of protein and two - three meals. Most days the protein drink is a snack. I only have it as a meal if I am planning a big meal at some point in the day.

    Moderation is my mantra these days. Everything in moderation leads to a balanced life. Balanced body, balanced mind, balanced spirit.

  5. Thanks ladies! haha @ Sandy Lee! You crack me up too. I am glad I gave you a good old fashioned gut busting laugh!

    Jenny and Amanda, Thanks for the advice. I think you are right. I can't just cut it all out or I will go nuts. I know it is a cycle. I have lived it far too long.


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